Attention all girls who like to get on top: a study has found that the 'cowgirl' position (called girl-on-top by normal people) was responsible for half of penis fractures, and is most likely to result in a 'broken penis' that can cause deformities and erectile dysfunction if not treated immediately.
Do not, I repeat, do not show this to any males because anything that deters them from letting us go on top is resolutely a bad thing for one massive, important reason: it's the position you're most likely to come. And I'm not just speaking from personal experience - not only can guys last longer (because you're controlling the speed, pressure and he's lying on his back), but you're getting stimulation (what a sexy word) from inside as well as outside. Its like an orgasm on a plate, if orgasms came on plates. Which they don't. Unless you're having sex on a plate.
Plates aside, how risky is it actually? Because while we want to come, obviously, we also don't want to be responsible for a broken wang. Well, apparently it's because our bodyweight could (note that's a 'could' not a 'will') land on the penis at an awkward angle causing it to buckle (surprise, surprise): 'Our hypothesis is that when woman is on top she usually controls the movement with her entire body weight landing on the erect penis, not being able to interrupt it when the penis suffers a wrong way penetration, because the harm is usually minor in woman with no pain but major in the penis,' the study reads. ' On the contrary, when the man is controlling the movement, he has better chances of stopping the penetration energy in response to the pain related to the penis harm, minimizing it."
OK, but what about the risk of the man slipping and breaking your rib while he's thrusting away? I once headbutted a wall and knocked myself out, and another time I fell off the bed onto my own boobs and thought I'd died. Sex is, by definition, pretty dangerous and there are way more dangerous moves than a girl riding a man - but that's how this is being presented in the headlines. Asphyxiation is probably more dangerous. And having sex underneath a teetering anvil.
'I broke a man's penis once,' Alice, from Chesham says. 'It was awful. And it was because I was drunk and my knee slipped, then he just started screaming that I'd broken his willy. There was a cracking noise.' They continued going out, though, after him being rushed to hospital. And would she go on top again? 'Er, yeah! Because there's just as much risk with man-on-top - what if the guy accidentally hits me with his elbow and I get a collapsed lung? Or what if we're doing doggy-style and I smack my head on bedframe? You can't eradicate a sex position just because some people get drunk and fall on penises occasionally.'
True, and the fact I've never come close to breaking a penis while consistently going on top for nearly ten years of shagging, says something. A fractured penis isn't the usual outcome for getting on top. It's even described by those conducting the study as 'uncommon' - but it just so happens to be the position that's most commonly associated with breaking wangs. There are others that aren't too far behind - doggy-style was almost just as bad, causing a third of injuries. And the missionary didn't escape empty-handed, considering it's responsible for a fifth of 'OH MY GOD YOU'VE BROKEN MY COCK' moments. Which, admittedly, is less than when we're on top but you've got to take all this with a pinch of salt.
Keep getting on top, because if you start avoiding the 'cowgirl' for medical reasons, then where does the madness stop? Are you never going to have sex again? Never going to get in the car in case you crash? Never going to leave the house in case you get trampled on by a horse? Exactly. Just don't mention this to anyone you're planning to clamber on top of, and be careful when you're riding up there.
As an aside, previous research found that penile fractures are more likely when guys are cheating or in 'unusual settings' - so maybe be extra careful when riding him up that tree/inside that fridge/on top of that speeding train.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.