The plight of comedians who battle depression has been well-documented, and now Sarah Silverman has become the latest high-profile comedian to speak candidly about her demons. Although Silverman has discussed it in the past, this latest essay for Glamouris perhaps her most revealing to date. Speaking about her first panic attack at the age of 13, she wrote, ‘It happened as fast as the sun going behind a cloud. You know how you can be fine one moment, and the next it's, "Oh my God, I f—king have the flu!"? It was like that. Only this flu lasted for three years. My whole perspective changed. I went from being the class clown to not being able to see life in that casual way anymore. I couldn't deal with being with my friends, I didn't go to school for months, and I started having panic attacks. People use "panic attack" very casually out here in Los Angeles, but I don't think most of them really know what it is. Every breath is labored. You are dying. You are going to die. It's terrifying. And then when the attack is over, the depression is still there.’
She then regales how her life has since been marked by periods of highs and lows and how she has survived through therapy and medication.
‘Since then I've lived with depression and learned to control it, or at least to ride the waves as best I can,’ she wrote. ‘I'm on a small dose of Zoloft, which, combined with therapy, keeps me healthy but still lets me feel highs and lows. The dark years and those ups and downs—chemical and otherwise—have always informed my work; I believe being a comedian is about exposing yourself, warts and all.’
Silverman has chosen to share her experiences because of a role she is playing in her latest film, I Smile Back. In the film she plays a suburban mother and housewife who on the surface has it all, but battles depression, self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. Speaking about playing the role she said, ‘I’m not gonna lie, [it] was not a great 20 days. After we wrapped and I’d finally shed the heaviness of it, I was so glad I made this movie. It may not have been fun, but it was the next best thing: It was scary. That makes you grow.’
- By Emily Maddick