The jig is up. Back away from the computer. Phemeis a new lie detector that's out to hunt down which tweets knocking around the Twitterverse are true and which ones are big fat lies. But you'd never tell porkies on social media... would you? Apart from maybe these…
‘I look AWFUL in this picture without any make-up/hair product/clothes on’
You don’t, otherwise you wouldn’t have put it up. You’re fishing my friend, FISHING for a compliment. And we’re NOT GOING TO BITE… Oh wait, we accidentally liked it.
Even worse?
‘YOU look so pretty in this picture without any make-up/hair product/clothes on’
Stand down, man. It’ll only encourage them.
‘This article is really great guys – deffos worth a read’
I read the headline, and maybe the first four sentences. Either way, I got the gist.
See also:
‘This article is really great guys – deffos worth a read’
I haven’t read it. I’ve nicked it off Caitlin Moran’s Twitter.
‘Miss you!’
An excellent way to end a comments conversation that started when both you and an old friend commented on the same picture of your friend’s baby.
‘Sarah James is going to “OMG Can’t Believe I’m Turning 26, Come Help Me Drown My Sorrows”’
You’re not going. You’ve got no intention of going. They know it, you know it. The whole Goddamn world knows it. Drop the act sister.
‘Has anyone got an Orange Wednesday code I can use? I’ll buy you chocolate!’
Empty promises. Just take the code and go.
‘Dear man singing Katy Perry really loud on the bus, please shut up or I’ll strangle you with your headphones.'
Or, tap furiously away on my smartphone and hrrrrmph loudly so the woman next to me knows I am annoyed.
‘Eeks sorry been away from my computer!’
Definitely not been ignoring your DM while I cruised my flatmate’s friends photos to try and figure out which of his mates I 'd rather snog.
One giant massive lie. No-one’s life is that pretty. Not even Rihanna's.
Follow Jess on Twitter @jess_commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.