Lesbian sex really does have its benefits. As well as a low risk of contracting STIs, no risk of unwanted pregnancy (duh), the fact a cuddle or spoon can be done with little phallic interference – unless specifically requested, bought and strapped on – and no post-orgasm pause, there’s a lot of life in a night of girl-on-girl passion. That’s probably why Cosmopolitan had a lot to come up against (sorry) when it made the bold decision to document 28 different positions lesbians can try out. That, and the last time the world was shown some fun new lesbian sex positions, it was in Blue Is The Warmest Colour, and you don’t even have to be gay to know that scissoring from behind is going to do absolutely nothing for anyone apart from the slack-jawed bearded art-house film-goer watching it.
Titled '28 Mind Blowing Lesbian Sex Positions', it was awfully sweet of Cosmpolitan to give lesbian sex tips a go for the first time since it started doing sex position guides way back in the 1960's (yes, your mum could have been conceived to using a Cosmo sex position), because there aren’t many mainstream publications which acknowledge lesbian sex, despite 16 per cent per cent of women aged 16-44 trying it. But we’re not sure if the mind-blowing was intended to mean that the sex that you have while doing these positions will blow your mind, or if they mean that some of the bizarrely-named stunts are so weird they will blow your mind.
We mean, what the fuck is the Erotic Maypole and how could you actually do it without bursting into fits of laughter at the idea you’ve turned a pagan dance you used to do when PE teachers got bored at school into an actual sex move? Can anyone really come from rubbing their clit against someone else’s tailbone?
In lieu of being able to try and test out The Bermuda Triangle, The Hot Hair Salon and The Sexy Spider – sorry, we might be a fun new brand but we’re not that liberal in this workplace, we asked some lesbians what their initial reactions to the positions are. Here's the scoop:
‘I can’t say I’ll be rushing to try the "strap-on sizzle" with a man’s tie around my neck. I would guess this has been written by a straight person or somebody who has watched too much office-based porn.’ – Kate, 24
‘The kinky jockey - as if that's a thing? Passionate pole dancer is a nice idea but they all seem to be the same thing just rubbing on different body parts. I don't know any lesbians that actually scissor? Do you? I wish it was good. The Espresso should be called The Vanilla - it's boring. Hmmm, overall it was okay, whole lot of rubbing and not enough fucking.’ – Holly, 26
‘It's just kinda disturbing that Cosmo reflects such a fundamental discomfort with lesbian sexuality that their representation of queer women has to be reflected with the dolled-up and heeled pornographic associations to make queer sexuality palatable for the mainstream…in positions more at home at the Commonwealth Games.’ – Kimberly, 21
‘I think its alright that they've included this in Cosmo, its not really offensive or pornographic, it's just a bit dry. Too much 'grinding' and 'pillows' for my liking. The comments section is more entertaining.’ – Louise, 28
We also saw this response on Twitter:
On the plus side, it’s good to see that Cosmo are looking at lesbian sex and taking as silly-seriously as they do their heterosexual sex positions. Maybe next time, they could feature some women actually fingering each other. It's not like cartoon fingering is going to upset people on the internet, right? And maybe, just maybe, they could also advertise within their pages (web or print) some chafe-prevention gel. With all of the grinding the magazine recommends, especially on women with no visible pubic hair there will definitely be enough red-raw rashes going around to justify that tired old ‘angry lesbian’ stereotype. Then again, Cosmo is sort of helping end that said stereotype; you’ve got to have a sense of humour to try out most of these Sapphic combinations.
Follow Sophie on Twitter @sophwilkinson
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.