Claire, 37, is a self-employed consultant from Leeds. After her husband told her she ‘could never afford to leave him’, she secretly saved up £10,000 for a new life.*
‘I’d just come out of a two-year relationship with one boyfriend, Mark*, which ended due to his heavy drinking. I craved emotional comfort, and I found it in John*, his friend. He was the polar opposite of Mark – very stable, caring and financially secure, whereas Mark was in debt. I was feeling vulnerable and John seemed the kind of man who’d take care of me.
We had our first kiss at the cinema one evening and within six weeks I’d moved in with him. It was a whirlwind romance - which made me a little apprehensive - but I went with it.
Of course, looking back now, I hear alarm bells. Behind the caring façade, John had been a controlling partner from day one, but I didn’t see it at the time. Not even a hint of it. When he forced me to quit my sales job which I loved so I could work for him, it never occurred to me he had ulterior motives. But the reality was, he wanted to know exactly where I was and how much I was earning in commission.
He earned substantially more than me and although I always offered, he’d never let me pay for anything. He paid for the mortgage, household bills and holidays. Because he was funding the holidays it meant he got to decide where we went every year. Similarly, when he insisted on buying my clothes, it wasn’t out of kindness, it was so he could tell my friends. It was embarrassing.
Still, I loved John. And, after he proposed four years into our relationship, we married in 2013. Married life was nothing like I expected. An unhealthy controlling pattern continued - whether it was getting his permission to go out with friends or having the tea ready for him when he got home from work. But I felt like I (ital)needed him and became very insecure.
Things just got worse. A year on and he was constantly gaslighting me. He accused me of having affairs – I wasn’t – and turning into an alcoholic ‘like my mother’ - I wasn’t. At one point I gave up alcohol altogether. It upset me so much I became so low and withdrawn, I felt like ending my own life.
Then, during a big row four years ago, he ended up saying, ‘You’ll never leave me because you can’t afford to!’ That hit home because I knew he was right. I said nothing - but that was a turning point: I vowed to do something about it. I now know I’m much stronger than I realised. My whole life since my mum walked out on me as a baby, I’ve had a fear of abandonment. I’d been subconsciously searching for someone to take care of me. But not anymore.
First, I cleared off two of my own credit card debts of £300 and £400 in case I needed to use them in the future. Then I opened a secret ‘pot’ in my online bank account with Monzo which I called ‘Freedom Fund’ and began squirreling away whatever I could. I cancelled all non-essentials like gym membership and Netflix and I cut right back on online shopping. Mark didn’t notice, as I never cut back on the shared expenses like food.
Over the next three years, every bit I saved I put into my Freedom Fund which I’d secretly check on my phone app. Seeing it grow gave me an amazing feeling of power. It was addictive - I started to feel in control again. I worked out the minimum I needed to leave him was £10,000, to cover the first month’s rent, a deposit, furniture and to give me a buffer.
During a holiday to America in 2020, we sat having a champagne lunch on the beach and I looked across at him and thought, ‘I’d rather be here with anyone but you’. But I didn’t feel quite ready to make my move yet. Back home, I kept upping my savings, stashing away £150-200 a month from my freelance earnings as a consultant and an extra part-time admin job I’d taken on. My work went quiet during lockdown, but I carefully saved every single government grant.
In January 2021, I started seeing a counsellor to deal with some of my childhood issues. It gave me clarity and made me stronger. So, in March this year, when John and I had another big argument, I moved into the spare room and I started looking for somewhere else to live.
By then, I’d reached my target of £10,000. I found myself a nice flat, with enough space for me and my two dogs, and then finally in April I dropped the bombshell to John, telling him, ‘I’m going’. He was very upset, insisting I wouldn’t be able to afford anywhere to live. He had no idea I’d already found somewhere.
When I moved out in May, it was meant to be a trial separation - although I didn’t envisage living with him again. The first night in my new flat, I felt so happy! I poured myself a glass of wine and sat there eating fish and chips to celebrate. It felt like a fresh start.
It wasn’t easy, but I had support from a long-term friend I’d confided in and also started seeing a spiritual coach called Samantha Jayne hyperlink: [www.needapsychic.co.uk]
. When I played her a secret recording I’d made of an argument with John, she told me straight, ‘You do realise this marriage is over, don’t you?’ It was what I needed to hear and the first time I’d truly admitted it to myself. It freed me. I’ve filed for divorce now - which John hasn’t yet responded to. We no longer speak. I’ve even blocked his number. I’ve never felt better. Even my boss said I’m a much calmer, more relaxed person now I’m single. I’m comfortable financially, as I’ve been careful with money and learnt a lot these last three years. I’m not looking for another relationship and I’m enjoying finding out who I really am. I would advise every woman to have a secret Freedom Fund, to empower you to make choices.
*Some names have been changed to protect identities.
Illustration: Michelle Thompson