Is there anything worse than someone breaking up with you? Yes, yes there is. When the person you’ve been dating doesn’t even do you the courtesy of telling you it’s over.
Ghosting is the latest dating ‘trend’, and if you thought Tinder was the death of romance, here’s where things get really interesting. The term refers to the increasingly popular practice where someone – the boy you’ve been dating, the man you’re in a relationship with, the friend you thought would always be there for you – disappears, drops off the face of the planet, makes like a ghost. They stop answering your calls and returning your messages, leaving you to gradually, over the course of hours, days and weeks, ‘get the message’. Yes, they may haunt your dreams, but in the cold light of day they’re nowhere to be seen.
And, as many of us can attest, it’s becoming ever more common. I was most recently ghosted after just one date. We met at a friend’s picnic and when he gave me his number I was flattered, so we went out. There was no great chemistry, but he was interesting and we had a little kiss at the end of the night. After a few days I hadn’t heard anything, so I sent him a breezy message asking if he fancied meeting for a drink the next day. Nothing. I’d been ghosted. Obviously one date amounts to exactly nothing, but was there any real reason not to at least be polite and let me know he wasn’t interested? To be honest, the experience left me feeling pretty humiliated. I’m happy to concede that he didn’t exactly owe me anything, but where did this implicit societal agreement come from that it’s OK to be this horrifyingly rude to each other?
'Ghosting not only seems to be happening more, it also seems to be occurring at a later stage – so instead of after one or two dates, we’re hearing about it happening after several dates, or even after weeks or months together,’ says Jo Hemmings, behavioural psychologist and relationship coach. ‘It’s an easy option – even easier (and lazier) than dumping by text or WhatsApp. No potentially awkward explanations are necessary, no need to see someone’s disappointment or hurt and no further need to respond at all.’
One friend told me how a guy she’d been seeing for two months just one day stopped replying to her on WhatsApp. That was it, over. No answers to her many questions about what could’ve gone wrong, just empty space. After a week of no contact she sent him her now standard ‘goodbye message’, eliciting, predictably, exactly no response. Another friend, Claire*, gingerly admitted to me that she regularly ghosts other people, and told me how she’d recently cut off all contact with a guy after sleeping with him a few times and realising she just wasn’t that into him. She said it was ‘easier’, but it seems brutal to me.
‘It’s cowardly and mean. But the more it becomes a “thing” with its own dating vocab, the more it becomes acceptable and used as a valid technique’
It seems even celebrities – the last people who you’d think could slip away without a trace – aren’t immune to getting ghosted. Reports say Charlize Theron broke up with Sean Penn recently by ghosting him – and they were actually engaged to be married. Friends say she thought it was the simplest solution to stop responding to his calls.
‘It’s cowardly and mean,’ Hemmings adds. ‘But the more it becomes a “thing” with its own dating vocab, the more it becomes acceptable and used as a valid technique by people who want to end a relationship. “Slow fade” was another popular behaviour – but ghosting is even more extreme. I think it’s started because of the dehumanising nature of dating via your phone or tablet. It somehow seems less real in the first instance, so disappearing without further word somehow seems more acceptable.’
And maybe our increased obsession with technology is the reason ghosting hasn’t just remained confined to the world of dating – it’s leaked into everyday life. For all my complaints, I know I’m guilty of unintentionally ghosting my friends and colleagues, and berating myself weeks later for failing to reply to messages and emails. With a full-on job, two email accounts, three social networks, a mobile phone, and friends and family all competing for my attention, some people slip through the net. And to be honest, with all those beeps and alerts demanding my attention, sometimes I just want to be left alone. Digital forms of communication have, to some extent, dehumanised relationships. We used to invest in friendships before the internet came along. We had to call friends on landlines, write letters, arrange to meet up face-to-face to catch up. There was no texting, no Facebook to make us feel like we’re in each other’s lives. Social media has allowed us to hide behind our phones, ignore the faceless person behind the texts, and disengage from real life. We’ve forgotten there’s a human being with thoughts and feelings at the other end of that ignored message.
Back in 2003 when Carrie Bradshaw was dumped on a Post-it, it was deemed the height of rudeness. Now, being dumped via a Post-it would be seen as positively refreshing. A text would be considered good form. But is this really how we want dating to be in 2015? Do we want to be in a world where my hot, successful friends and I are grateful someone’s slightly acknowledged we’re people with feelings? It’s pretty depressing.