We’ve all heard that communication is key to a healthy relationship, but between work, childcare, and trying to have a social life, it can be hard to actually find the time to really talk to your partner, right? We’ve all been guilty of falling into a rhythm of just going through the motions without stopping to check in, and give the relationship the maintenance it deserves. In fact, a fifth of married Brits speak to their other half for less than 30 minutes a day, according to family solicitors Slater and Gordon.
To combat this time slip, some couples have turned to regular relationship reviews: putting aside time on a scheduled basis to check in about how things are going and how they’re both feeling. Last week, TikToker George Hearn posted a video about the monthly review he does with his partner Ellie. In it, they discuss how they structure their reviews, discussing “Glows” (what they’ve appreciated about each other in the last month) and“Grows” (where they talk through what they’d like more of in the next month), before checking in about their shared goals for the year.
The video currently has already hit 1.6 million views, and the reactions have been divided. Some commenters praised them for their strong communication skills, while others asked if they met on Linkedin or what their KPIs are for the next quarter. Despite the jokes, ‘relationship reviews’ are popular on the short video app, and there are currently 67.5M posts under the tag ‘Our relationship reviews’.
George says the overall reaction has been positive. “I’ve been really touched by how many people have tried out a ‘review’ and said it’s helped the communication in their relationship," he tells Grazia. He adds that most negative reactions are down to ‘fragile masculinity’, the kind he aims to address in his work as a Movember advocate.
For him and Ellie, regular relationship check-ins are a way to ensure they’re on the same page, as well as setting aside time to nurture their relationship. “They help us tackle any differences before they bottle up and turn into bigger issues and keep us excited about building our relationship going forward.”
Relationship therapist Jodie Slee agrees that these kinds of relationship reviews can be ‘extremely beneficial’. “Relationships function more effectively when couples prioritise self-reflection and communication. It can also help with emotional connection, which can wane over time in long-term relationships. They can be romantic because they show commitment to working on things together,” she adds.
Polly, a speech therapist based in Lancaster, has done regular relationship reviews with their partner for the entirety of their four year relationship. The relationship began during COVID, when the pair, who had been friends for five years already, started hooking up while ‘bubbled’ together (remember bubbling?). “I think because the relationship started as friends with benefits, we wanted to regularly check in to ensure neither of us got hurt because maintaining our friendship was the most important thing,” says Polly.
As the couple are non-monogamous, they believe regular check-ins are especially important. Leanne Yu, a polyamory educator who creates content under the name Poly Philia, says that these types of structured and scheduled check-ins are commonplace in polyamory and other non-monogamous practices. “We're practising a relationship style that is heavily stigmatised, but more importantly, there is no official blueprint for how to navigate it, which means that it's entirely kind of customizable and tailored to the people in the relationship. That gives you a lot of freedom, in some ways, but also means that you really need to iron out all the details,” she explains.
Leanne believes that all relationship types could benefit from regular reviews. “It takes the sting out of saying 'we need to talk’ if you know there’s already a scheduled time to bring up issues and nip any problems in the bud early. Plus, it gives you a chance to celebrate the positives at the same time.”
It takes the sting out of saying "we need to talk".
It isn’t just non-monogamous couples relying on their Google calendar for regular relationship reviews. Jon, a Product Manager from London, did weekly reviews with his most recent partner during their relationship. Every Sunday morning, the pair would take a walk to get coffee and reflect on their week together. “We really bonded over the fact that a relationship needs to be a conscious commitment, not something you just let happen to you,” he says. “Neither of us liked the idea that there are lots of couples just existing because they haven't decided to change something.” The schedule also encouraged Jon to check in with himself, something that he sometimes finds himself neglecting due to stress.
Both Jon and Polly say the regular check-ins helped them identify issues earlier in the relationship than they may have done if they were having the conversations ad-hoc. “Early on, it allowed us to have a set space to explore any feelings or issues arising without needing to wait for a perfect moment to raise them. It also helped with big decisions like moving in together, because it allowed us to voice any concerns and plan contingencies (like who would move out if we broke up or who would pay which bills). It helps us both to feel secure and valued,” says Polly.
But does scheduling regular, structured check-ins take some of the spontaneity and romance out of a relationship, and make it start to feel a bit like you’re having a one-to-one with your manager? “I can understand why from the outside they might sound a bit like a performance review, but really love is work and I don't think you can just let it happen to you,” says Jon.
Love is work, you can't let it just happen to you.
Relationship Coach Ally Iseman says one of the biggest issues she sees in her clients is that they stop working on the relationship, while still expecting the relationship to work for them. Practising ongoing communication can help couples from slipping into complacency. But Ally notes that there can be drawbacks. “You have to find the right cadence for your relationship. If you’re navigating a potential challenge, you might need them more frequently,” says Ally, warning that it’s also possible to overschedule check-ins.
If you’re thinking about asking your partner to try regular check-ins, you should wait until a relaxed moment where just the two of you are together to bring up the conversation, not during or after a fight, as tempting as that might be. Jodie suggests framing it as a team effort, emphasising that’s something you want to do to build intimacy, rather than to fix an issues. Finally, she says, keep it small; “Suggest a short weekly or fortnightly chat, maybe over coffee or a walk, to make it feel natural.”