Reasons Why Summer Can Be A Pain In The Arse (But We Love It Anyway)

Daytime drinking, grass stains and wasps. It might be a long hot summer, but it's not all joyfully skipping through meadows and 99ers


by Stevie Martin |
Published on

Today is set to be the hottest day of the year so far – but before you break into song, let's keep a bit of perspective. Long afternoons spend drinking cider and chain-smoking in the park beat shivering in the smoking section (ie outside) of a pub in the pouring rain and icy winds, but summer can also be a bit of a prick. Considering it came out of nowhere and is now supposed to be hot for the next four months, I'm pretty pissed off by the lack of prep time we were given because, no, we don’t all check the weather a week in advance. We’re not 95.

Yes we love it and, yes, it’s the best season by far – but do keep the downsides of summer in mind. They act as warnings and, at the very least, could save you from doing a handstand on a wasp. Again.

**1. You didnt know it was happening, so haven’t faked tanned **

So this is, again, due to my inability to check a weather app, but even if given four days notice, that’s not enough time to deforest my legs, exfoliate everywhere (how do you exfoliate your back? Please let me know) and gradually build up the sort of natural-looking hue that takes at least a week to cultivate. Instead, I panic – buy thick, viscous body-mud in an attempt to do it all in an hour, rendering me unable to leave the house. And it’s also all over the house. The walls, the floor, the towels, my flatmate’s towels, mugs, the fridge (because of all the comfort eating). The worst thing is, by the time we get it right, summer's over and you have to crack out the long sleeves again. Unfair.

**2. It’s too hot to eat mashed potato **

Or most things that cost nothing and have got you through tough financial times during winter. Now you’re going to have to only crave salads (expensive to buy and never taste that great in a lunchbox), chilled soups (‘Yeah, I’ll just whip up some gazpacho before my unpaid internship,’ said nobody), and dip (yeah, alright, dip’s pretty great). Despite the whole money thing, if you suddenly get a craving for a warm meal on a summer’s day, people react like you just sat on their grandmother. ‘Oh, it’s too hot for [insert everything],’ becomes the go-to phrase when meeting people for lunch. But there's only so many times you can get excited by spinach leaves, so you'll end up secret-eating bangers and mash in your flat and lying to people about it. Or maybe that's just me.

3. You forgot your upper arms look like inflatables, and other fun body discoveries

What is it with arms? No matter how much gym-time I put in (not a lot) and how toned my legs get (see previous bracket), my arms look like they’re filled with air and able to keep small children from drowning during pool parties. This actually extends to most areas of the body that have, up until now, remained covered. For example, when did your elbows get so dry? What’s up with your heels? And it goes on. Like with the fake tan, you need a good few months to remedy the damage winter has done and just as you start looking good, it’s all over.

**4. You’ll sit on a confused wasp and it will sting you **

The problem with sudden summers is that wasps wake up too early and stumble about in the air looking for something to sting. Most of them are too freaked out to fly, so they just plod around on the floor waiting for you to take your shoes off and do a ‘Oh, it’s summer, I’m so full of joy’ handstand. On them.

**5. White clothes = loads of very visible stains **

‘Finally, I can crack out that delicate pastel coloured blouse!’ you cry while joyfully rolling around in chocolate ice cream and bits of grass. Most summer outfits will last roughly two wears before you’ve had to crack out the Vanish (other stain removers are available) and hand wash it while holding back anxiety-tears. It’s not just ice cream and rolling, though. Commuting, sitting on a bench, dancing: they all turn your crisp white sundress into grey, ragged sack within minutes, making you miss black so much it almost hurts.

6. You’ll get overexcited and therefore way too drunk by 2pm

Sort of self explanatory, this. How many times, on a hot weekend, have you met up with mates and had to have a lie down before lunchtime because you had three white wines and the light/heat/timing of your drunkenness is making you feel really weird? Daytime drinking is great when you get it just right, but it’s very hard to nail every time. It’s all about levels of fatigue, pacing your beverages and keeping out of direct sunlight if you’ve have four vodkas – all of which are difficult to keep track of when you’re very drunk.

**7. Working in an office becomes the worst **

Despite all the crappy parts of summer, it’s still the best season of ’em all, which makes not being able to enjoy it due to slaving away for the man SUPER hard. If you’re interning, freelance or unemployed, then this is where you really come into your own – think of the poor bastards trapped inside, staring at a computer screen while you giggle and dance and skip about outside.

But, hey, to hell with all the cons – we’ve spent way too much time with our chunky knits and standing next to radiators – get out there and sunbathe your arse off. And keep an eye out for confused wasps.

Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevie

Picture: Ada Hamza

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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