HELLO HOLIDAY. All that stands between you and ten days of sun, sangria and lads, lads, lads is one little 4AM trip to Luton Airport, a 12-hour wait for your erstwhile plane (delays due to ‘engine troubles’ always inspires the greatest confidence) and then a four-hour journey in a metal tube filled with fellow sneezing, boozing and sweating Brits. Air travel is hell.
Here are a few things you realise every time you step foot into an airport.
Wetherspoons Can And Will Let You Down
Back at your local ’Spoons you can order a bottle of white wine, two beers and a round of Jager bombs and still get change from a tenner. It’s a solid option that’s got you through some tough times. Long live Wetherspoons. For some reason, though, the ’Spoons in the airport has got ideas above it’s station and thinks that charging similar prices to Mahiki for a bottle of it’s (admittedly rubbish) plonk is fine and acceptable. You almost didn’t buy some on principle. Almost.
The Flight Attendants Are All Younger Than You
Remember when you used to go on holiday when you were a kid and the air hostesses were all nicely coiffed thirty-somethings who made you feel like they knew exactly how to look after you in an emergency? Yeah, not so much any more. The over-Tangoed Joey Essex lookalike who directed to your seat on board your generic budget airline flight to Barcelona looks like he’d struggle to buy a drink in a bar, let alone know how to activate the emergency yellow slide thing.
Your Nearest And Dearest Are Monsters
It’s not until you’ve stood in a line for airport security that’s longer than the queue for Nemesis at Alton Towers that you realise what a seriously annoying voice your boyfriend has. Seriously, has he always talked like this? It’s kind of nasal and squeaky at the same time, and he doesn’t seem to say anything interesting. Plus, what’s with the loud breathing? Is he purposely trying to annoy you? Jeez. What a douche. Fuck going on holiday with this guy.
You Aren’t George Clooney In Up In The Air
Remember that whole bit in the film where he describes how he’s an efficient traveller and you were all like, ‘Yeah yeah. God, people take up time faffing at security because their laptop’s at the bottom of their bags are the absolute worst.’ Cut to the front of the line when you realise your washing stuff is spread across three bags and none of it’s in acceptable containers. To the queue of 70 people who had to wait while you argued with security and decanted liquids, you are absolutely one of THOSE people.
It Is Entirely Possible To Destroy Your Spending Money Budget Before You Leave The Country
Between a coffee and a sandwich at Pret, suncream, Sun-In and make-up at Boots and a blockbuster novel and some magazines that you'll never read (The Economist? Who are you kidding?), it’s more than likely that you chuck away half your cocktail budget for the week before you even board the place. On board? That’s even worse. £8.60 for an ill-looking panini? Bargain.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.