Happy April Fools day guys. Do we actually mean that? Or are we actually just April Fools-ing you? Who knows. We certainly don’t. Mainly because we’re hungover and also because we’ve found out today that we’re the most gullible people ever on account of the fact that we’ve fallen for pretty much ever fake story planted by the media today.
Due to this, morning conference today was a veritable shitstorm of people shedding tears of frustration at the mammoth task of trying to separate the truth from the lies because, in a world where neon tampons are actually a thing, who the fuck is the internet to tell us that Ed Milliband hasn’t actually bleached his hairlike Bieber?
Here’s the stories we fell for.
The cat nightclub in Japan
I personally fell for this one mainly because I really wanted it to be true. Also I think maybe it actually could be true. MixMag have reported that Japan have just opened up the very first Cat Nightclub which basically a cat café, but with added beats. There’s some really convincing pictures to go alongside it too. Except for maybe the one of the cat in the neck brace.
The clip-on man bun
Emma our social media editor was dead chuffed when she found that ASOS have created a clip-on man bun and pitched it as proof that men take Zayn Malik’s style as an inspiration. It was only when we pointed out that the bun looked less like a hipster ‘mun’ and more like a prom hairdo that she realised she’d been had. Score one for alcohol and zero for compis mentis.
The fitness ‘coach’
Again, this one was all me. Mainly again, because I wanted it so badly to be true. The chaps over at Virgin claimed that Virgin Active and Virgin Trains crossed paths most marvellously and created a ‘fitness coach’ (geddit?) on each train that was really a fully functioning gym. Much better than spending the two and a bit hours between London and Manchester reading the paper over a smelly man’s shoulder. It was only when Virgin claimed that the energy harnessed by the commuters working out would power the trains that we caught on. Aimed too high guys, aimed too high.
The boo bookmark
This one courtesy of Foyles and The Telegraph, the ‘boo!mark’ is the bookmark that senses when you’re dozing off and wakes you up with a resounding ‘boo’. This would have been very helpful during our student days, now we value our sleep too much.
The inner selfie stick
Mainly because at some point our vanity will reach such stratospheric levels that this neat little gadget from Firebox will actually be a thing. In case you can’t tell by the title, the inner selfie stick is a camera you attach to your phone, stick up your arse or vagina and start snapping away. At £29.99 it’s probably way cheaper than a colonoscopy for the NHS so do your bit to save state healthcare and purchase one today. Or actually don’t. Because they’re not real.
Also YOU GUYS FELL FOR OURS. Looks like the mess_ees_ have become the mess_ers_. To get cats drunk you’ve got to actually give them alcohol. But don’t do that. It’s bad for them.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.