Looking to move house? Well, summer is typically the season when you finally decide to break up with your needy landlord, find yourself a bedroom that’s bigger than a portaloo or just simply try out a new postcode for jokez.
So, you’ve decided to pack up your mountain of belongings (not dissimilar to a Topshop stockroom), and handed in your notice (landlord is actually pretty relieved the relationship’s over), and think that surely finding your dream pad - à la Carrie Bradshaw’s New York apartment in *Sex and The City - *is only one estate agent phone call away. WRONG.
Turns out the urban rental market is bursting at the seams with poor souls willing to spend the majority of their salaries on the privilege of renting a shoebox, so landlords have got super picky. Jim Haliburton – the self-styled ‘HMO Daddy’ (houses of multiple occupation) who rents out over 150 properties – has revealed to The Telegraph how he chooses or rejects his tenants.
Based on his (rather strange) advice, we dissect how to actually make a potential landlord fall for you.
Get a job
‘If they’ve been in employment for over six months then they’re pretty well in’
No brainer here. You’re much more attractive as a tenant if you can actually pay what's due. That said, this is a bit unfair on students/the self-employed/between-jobs peeps.
No job? Prepare for more of a grilling than a GCSE French oral
‘With the unemployed you’ve got to interview them for at least 20 minutes’
Why 20 minutes we’ll never know, but it’s clear they’re not going to hand over any keys unless they’re certain it'll all be happy-families for precisely 12 months. Apart from 'have you got the dosh?', we're not exactly sure what you need to be revising, but maybe slip in that somewhere that you hate parties, own a hoover and get a weird kick out of paying bills on time.
Try to look like you own a hairbrush/iron
‘Look at them, stand back and use what I call intuition’
If all landlords are like this guy then it seems they are a undiscovered telepathic breed who, simply by gazing into your eyes, can tell whether you’ll be harassing them every other day about the broken [delete as appropriate: fridge, shower, loo, garden gnome), or sending them a Christmas card. A viewing might also be the best time to ditch the PJs and brush your hair. Appearances shouldn’t matter but in the world of shallow landlords they do.
Avoid fitting into any of the below categories
‘The golden rule is to avoid druggies, criminals, raging alcoholics, people who’ve got mental problems and can’t function particularly well’
Apart from the fact this is actually pretty harsh (plus, what if you’re a non-raging alcoholic?), without a doctor/policeman in tow, it wouldn’t be too hard to pretend none of the above apply to you. Note: we are not condoning criminal activities.
Disguise yourself as an OAP
‘The older are better. They are responsible, they’re grateful’
This leaves only one option. Make like that Basement Jaxx video from 2005 - grab a grey wig and hold off on the anti-ageing serum - because adding forty years to your look will get you that two-bed with a garage on the nicer side of Catford. Kerching.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.