It's a schoolboy error to rely solely on astrologer's for 2015 predictions - and hey, maybe you're not just interested in your own career/love life/money situation. Maybe you want to stop all this goddamn navel-gazing and learn about the big stuff. Like whether 2015 is going to be a good year for women, for example. Or who will win the general election.
That's why I got a psychic (Lady Lilac - check out her site), a pack of tarot cards and, erm, a Magic 8 Ball to figure out what's going down this year besides us all getting that little bit more likely to cry at our own birthday parties due to the passage of time. Mainly because I really want to know whether the royal baby will be a boy or a girl.
Disclaimer: The Tarot readings are separated into past, present and future because that's the only spread I can confidently do having not picked up cards since 2007. And no, I've not adapted the questions for the Magic 8 Ball because it makes the answers funnier.
Disclaimer 2: I am in no way undermining the subtle and exact art of these divination practises (Magic 8 Ball aside) so genuinely did a lot of reading and performed each task away from the office, with eyes closed and mind fully open. So much so that one of my colleagues thought I was eating lunch by myself, which shows just how intense it all felt. I'm never more intense than when eating a sandwich. Bear in mind I genuinely believe in all this stuff, and if you don't, then just look at the Tarot readings; they're spookily accurate in terms of the present and the past.
Disclaimer 3: I was going to include Ancient Runes but everyone agreed that was going a bit far.
Anyway, here we go...
**Will 2015 be an overly positive year? **
Yeah it's vague, but I'm hoping for some sort of indication as to which months really stand out as problematic (or positive) and what we should all be bracing ourselves for.
**Tarot **
Past: Temperance: The card for frugality and economy - which is pretty prudent considering the fact the world is recovering from a massive economic crisis and suffering from a shitload of cuts.
Present: Five of Swords: It's all about the battles, the destruction and the general attack on our fortune. Again, accurate when you think about the news recently: war, destruction and attacks are fairly rife. Could mean any number of things, of course, but general discord seems to be the
Future: Six of Swords: Well this is pretty positive - it's all about a journey via water, a sort of new way. And I'm reading the water as a cleansing sort of water rather than a drowning sort of water.
Magic 8 Ball
Absolutely
Lady Lilac, Psychic extraordinaire
It is difficult to say whether 2015 will be positive, as everyone has ups and downs during every year. For some it will be fantastic for others it will be traumatic!
(Ah. Fair enough)
**SUMMARY: Alright that question was maybe a bit TOO vague but it looks as if there'll be some new, positive changes and ways through problems over the next year. **
Will 2015 be a good year for women?
Will the pay gap close? Will all pick-up artists be eradicated? Will feminism stop being a dirty word for some people? Let's get straight to it.
Tarot
Past: Ace of Cups: This jumped out at me upside down, which indicates a fairly vehement reaction and, considering it's the Ace of Cups, it's unsurprising. This is the card for instability, mutation and revolution, which is pretty much what's been going on with us women since the Victorian era. Plus, I really care about this so that's probs why it jumped out - not because I'm crap at shuffling (Maybe because I'm crap at shuffling). Especially in the last year or so, we've started taking stuff into our own hands, getting the word out there and dominating the Guardian CIF bigtime. Which is the main thing.
Present: The Magician: We're currently employing skill and diplomacy and there's a big boost in self confidence - which is true, considering how confident we are calling out bullshit like Dapper Laughs.
Future: The Star: There are two readings, and I'm opting for hope and bright prospects (rather than loss, theft and abandonment) because the image is a naked woman by some water looking really chilled out, and that spoke volumes to me OK.
**Magic 8 Ball **
Probably
(Cheers for that)
Lady Lilac, Psychic extraordinaire
There are a lot of woman - especially in London - who are leaving it late to get married as they get concentrate on their career. This will start to change next year as woman will be meeting Mr Right earlier in their life.
(Shit)
**SUMMARY: It looks pretty positive for the ladies (or 'lades' to use the technical term), so let's keep calling out that bullshit and sticking together. **
**Is the world going to end? **
I spent Halloween outside in a garden with no coat on, there were (as ever) way more storms and terrifying earth-related disasters than normal, so is it all going to come to a head this year?
Tarot
Past: The Hierophant: Captivity, arrogance and servitude - and I don't think there's a better adjective for humanity's attitude towards the earth than 'arrogant'.
Present: The Emporer: Well hello immaturity and obstruction. Let's have a think about the obstruction to living naturally, and in an environmentally friendly way: it starts with M and ends in Y (and it's not 'moggy') (It's 'money').
Future: The Devil: Oh dear. Erm. Well. Ravage, violence, vehemence, force, fatality... OK I'll stop now. Not a good card.
**Magic 8 Ball **
A Definite Yes
Lady Lilac, Psychic extraordinaire
I think the weather will continue to be warmer than last year and the winter will not be so cold.
**SUMMARY: The weather forecast for 2015 is decidedly not good. **
Who will win the general election?
While there's no UKIP tarot card, there's always a chance that we'll see one of their faces in the teacup. Or perhaps Russell Brand's.
**Tarot **
Past: The Knight of Wands: The card to represent a dark young man, alienation, and a frustrated marriage. Not sure about the first one, but those last two definitely remind us of a certain union that occured in the last general election that was frustrated pretty much from the off. Remember the rose garden shoot?
Present: Six of Wands: On the surface, there's already a victor but in actual fact this is a case of servants losing to their masters. Which is pretty interesting...
Future: The Tower: Oh great. Misery, distress, calamity, disgrace, deception and ruin. So nothing bad then. UKIP?
Magic 8 Ball
Looking Good
Lady Lilac, Psychic extraordinaire
The party that will do the best is UKIP, Conservative Labour and Liberal will be battling it out together. Not sure what the prime minister will look like but I do think white male!
(Argh)
**SUMMARY: Well it looks like UKIP have it then. Cool. **
**What will the Royal Baby be like? **
Again, quite vague but lets keep this one open-ended (i.e. I want to know the gender, name and time of birth)
**Tarot **
Past: The Devil, reversed: Obviously not referring to actual royal babies, but I'm reading this as the attitude, media attention towards the royal baby which has been petty, and a bit awful (not naming any names, sidebar of shame).
Present: Ace of Swords: Everything in excess - joy, pain, everything, which also fits with the media frenzy surrounding Kate, Wills, George and whoever is inside Kate's womb. Is she vomming? Is she rolling her eyes doing charity work? Is she too thin? Why is she wearing a hoodie? Is it OK to wear a hoodie when you're pregnant? Can be a bit of a depressing card, but not necessarily for the baby, for the crap that the mother has to go through.
Future: Two of Swords: Probably should have shuffled these better. Anyhoo, this does fit: about gifts for a lady (BABY SHOWER TIME), affection, intimacy and courage. Interestingly - it also implies influential protection for a man in search of help. Babies need help. Will Kate have a very small manbaby aka a boy?? OMG yes.
**Magic 8 Ball **
Forget About It
(I know! I know! I'm just fuelling the media storm! I'm sorry!)
**Lady Lilac, Psychic extraordinaire **
My prediction is another boy for the royal couple. I think there will be a letter J around the baby although they usually have lots of Christian names!
**Summary: Kate will have a boy and it'll be called James. So that's sorted. **
So there you have it - the whole of 2015 predicted. If any of these are right, I'll be quitting my job to become a full time woman of nature provided I can still freelance to make rent.
**Like this? You might also be interested in... **
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Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevieM
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.