Why Poo Is A Feminist Issue

Why do we (women) insist on pretending we don't poo? This charade has got to stop...Illustration by Ellie Andrews

Why Poo Is A Feminist Issue

by Lisa Bowman |
Published on

We all shit. It’s a fact of life. Hangover poos, periods poos, ‘you’re so huge, how did you even fit out of my bumhole?’ poos – we’ve all done them. So why are women so coy about it? I’m grateful to have been brought up in a family where the girls are just as open as the boys about their bowels, so I’ve never been ashamed of mine. In fact, I feel lucky to finally have a healthy working colon after years of constipation hell.

And if you thought that info was TMI, then you my friend, are exactly the sort of girl I hate.

Over the years, I’ve been made to feel like shit (LOL) by friends who have squealed with disgust when I’ve dared to bring up the subject of poo, but they’re the same folk who are more than happy to reveal all the gory details of their sex lives.

And don’t get me started on their reactions when I make a toilet joke in front of their boyfriends – acting like I just broke the girl code by revealing that we know what poo is. OF COURSE WE DO, WE’RE HUMAN BEINGS, TOO!

Why do girls like to make life so much harder for themselves? If we were all just a bit more honest about our bowel movements, then it would be way less embarrassing when we say, do a horrific hangover poo in a new boyfriend’s bathroom. Realising there isn’t a toilet brush when you’ve left skid marks to rival an F1 track isn’t ideal.

And I’m not saying you should go drag your beau out of bed to come and upload a pic with #BaesBowels, but come on – you’ll look way cooler if you just own it and laugh it off than if you go all weird and bolt. Unless you smeared your name in faeces on his wall (you didn’t, right…?), then you’re doing OK.

So here’s why your life will be much easier if you just lighten the eff up and admit that you goddamn poo:

It’ll be less stressful when you’re sick

I spent some time last year working at a surf and yoga camp in India where we all got the shits. On the reg. Delhi belly ain’t just a myth, let me tell you. One particular night, immediately after polishing off a delicious meal, I got the gurgles. Now when a meal passes through you that quick, you know it’s an emergency.

Instead of having to make up a ridiculous lie about why I needed to get a rickshaw home like, RIGHT NOW (“Guys, I just had a vision of a king cobra picking the lock of our house and stealing all our laptops, we’d better head back”) I simply looked my friends in the eye, and calmly advised them that, “I’ve got approx 10 minutes before my bowels explode, we need to go.” Because we were all on the same page, that was cool, and I made it back in time. (Just.)

You’ll get to share hilarious poo stories

At the aforementioned camp, one of the first things my friend Andrew said to me was that he had the shits. And that he’d shat into his own hand the night before. Into. His. Own. Hand. Being all feverish and poorly in bed, he’d realised he needed to fart but wasn’t sure if it would be, y’know, a wet one. So without thinking, he cupped his hand over his anus. And promptly defecated into it. I laughed so hard I cried.

Weeks later, I went to bed with a bad tummy and woke up having shat myself in my sleep. Working the early breakfast shift, I had to suck it up (lolz) and fashion a makeshift nappy out of yoga shorts and toilet paper. Now it’s the perfect anecdote for whenever anyone exclaims, ‘Oh gosh, I’d love to visit India – how was it?’ Basically, life is so much more enjoyable when you can laugh at yourself. And your unpredictable sphincter.

You’re less likely to end up in hospital

Why is it that girls will happily chat to a co-worker in the cubicle next door while pissing louder than a carthorse, but would rather risk long-term bowel damage than drop a few nuggets at work? I’m not saying you should curl out a fat one while telling Sarah from HR about your weekend, but why is pooing weird if weeing isn’t? It’s just a different hole.

Oh, and stop with the near witch-hunts when you smell a foul odour in the bathroom. Shit stinks, get over it. Don’t be jeal just ’cos people aren’t as uptight as you. Waiting outside bathroom stalls with pitchforks and fire torches is like, soooooo 1580.

It’ll help you discover if a guy is worth your time

My mate was hooking up with a guy who told her she had to stop making poo jokes ‘cos it reminded him that she pooed, which made him not want to sleep with her anymore.’ WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

If a male is prepared to ignore basic biology and kid himself that you don’t have a colon then he’s not a man who deserves to be anywhere near your vagina. ’Cos I’ll bet my life on the fact he’s also the sort of guy who thinks a women’s natural scent down below is ‘lily of the valley’.

When it all boils down to it, it’s a feminist thing

Why are natural body functions seen as disgusting when women do them, yet, er, natural and bodily and functional when they come from men? Don’t screw yourself over, ladies – sort your shit out (wheeeey!) and stop accepting and perpetuating those double standards.

**Liked this? You might also be interested in: **

How Do You Poo When You Go On Holiday With A Boy And Haven’t Got To That Place

What Your Poo Says About You

When The Hell Do You Poo And Other Social Minefields To Navigate At The Begining Of A Relationship

Follow Lisa on Twitter @lisabowhorse

Illustration by Ellie Andrews

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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