It’s nice to see old fashioned manners making the headlines. Tatler editor Kate Reardon has reminded us all to mind our Ps and Qs at a speech to students at Westonbirt School for Girls about politeness, claiming it mattered more than qualifications. She told them, ‘It doesn’t matter how many A-levels you have, what kind of a degree you have, if you have good manners people will like you. And, if they like you, they will help you.’
Westonbirt’s GCSE and A level pass rate is exceptionally high, so there’s a chance that the hardworking students felt a little bit grumpy about being told their grades didn’t matter, but we still think she’s talking sense. Especially when she made it clear that this was all about being kind to the people around you, and not going to a pricey finishing school to learn how to get out of a taxi without showing your knickers.
Reardon explained, ‘I’m not talking about manners [that are] about using the right spoon for soup or eating asparagus with your left hand. I’m talking about being polite and respectful and making people you interact with feel valued.’ We all like to think we’re polite, but Reardon reckons smartphone culture is causing us to forget the basics. ‘Never hide behind a computer or mobile phone if you want to communicate your truth – they need to know who you are and they need to understand you,’ she said.
Usually when we’re looking for role models, we’re drawn to the rebellious ones. Women like Rihanna, Kate Moss and Miley Cyrus are the bad girls we want to be, and although they’re widely criticised, they’re also celebrated for being uncompromising, and unafraid to do anything it takes in order to forge ahead. Madonna, who has decades of rebellious behavior is relentlessly hashtagging everything she posts on social media with the phrase #unapologeticbitch. It’s not just a reference to her new album, it appears to be an ethos. So how’s a nice girl supposed to get ahead?
Perhaps there’s something quietly rebellious about sticking to the rules. When you’re surrounded by narcissists endlessly screaming for attention, sometimes the only way to stand out is to smile and say please and thank you. Katherine, a journalist, agrees with Reardon. ‘I started out as an intern on a magazine, and ended up working there full time and booking the interns. Predictably, there was a mix of personalities, and the people we wanted to ask back were the polite ones. You could be the best writer in the world, but if you act entitled and unpleasant, I will not want to have you back in my office, and I will warn my colleagues and friends on other publications about you. I think people often labour under the misapprehension that you need to be big in order to stand out. If you do what you’re told and you’re pleasant to be around, that’s enough to make you stand out because, sadly, those are rare qualities.’
Reardon didn’t go to university, but turned down a place at Exeter to get started on her career – she’s proof that politeness can be as effective as a qualification. Obviously, a degree is a real advantage in the workplace, but Reardon’s words suggest that it’s hard to capitalise on it unless you’ve got the right attitude.
After writer Maya Van Wagenen explored old fashioned social mores in her book Popular: Vintage Wisdom For A Modern Geek, perhaps it’s time for us to revisit the retro etiquette guides of the last century. If Reardon is right, becoming better behaved might even make us more successful. Ultimately, manners exist to make the people around you feel at ease. You don’t need to get cutlery lessons like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, or take a special posh yoga class in order to learn how to curtsey. Just smile, look people in the eye and say please and thank you. If you’re not Madonna, it will help you go much further than being an #unapologeticbitch.
Follow Daisy on Twitter @NotRollerGirl
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.