How To Plan A Hen Do And Not Be A Dick About It

Hen do Hitlers need to get off the train right here, right now

How To Plan A Hen Do And Not Be A Dick About It

by Jess Commons |

Chances are you haven't got to peak wedding age yet and, at the moment, it’s only the odd one or two of your mates that’ve decided to take the plunge and walk down the aisle. Which, quite frankly, considering how stressful those weddings were is more than enough for now thank you very much.

The real problem though comes when you're appointed as maid of honour because, after all the happiness and the smugness and the 'oh my God I’m so honoured to be part of your special day!' comes the crushing realisation that you, who is as of yet currently unable to organise a house party that doesn't turn into police incident, have to plan the hen do. This is bad news because when was the last time you heard anyone older and wiser than you go, 'Hey! A hen do! Great news!' Yep, now you're the person that's got to convince people you barely know to part with cash for ideas that you alone have come up with. Good luck with that.

Here’s how to organise a hen do and not be a dick.

Banish all thoughts of overseas travel

C’mon now. How's about a bit of sisterly consideration? While the thought of the look of pleasure on your best mates’ face when she shows up at Gatwick to be told she’s off for a week of sun, sex and no suspicious parents all paid for by you guys might thrill you, imagine it from the point of view of someone who’s friends with your mate but not like, best mates. Would you want to spend a couple hundred quid and five days of your holiday on a trip you didn’t choose for someone you like a lot but not loads? Probs not. The overseas trip is arguably the quickest way to create dissent within the group and almost certainly the best way to earn yourself the name ‘That Dickhead’, which, while it's not clever, will hurt.

Refine your thread of communication

Steer clear of a Facebook thread. There’s a special place in hell for people that start one of those with over 15 people. Instead, get technical. Use Doodle to help figure out a date (instead of saying ‘can you do this date? Can you do this date?’ to a whole bunch of people it allows attendees to select the dates they can do and then you just go with the majority before sending an invite to their calendar). Then, get GroupMe, a messaging app like WhatsApp that works even for people who don't have the app and has a built in event invitation service that goes straight to your calendar AND a money splitting thing that means people can transfer you money directly through the app. Plus, people can mute it if it starts to get annoying.

Novelty lols are never as funny as they’re meant to be

Ironic inflatable penises are funny in the safety of your home (maybe) but, taken outside, become the quickest way to get barred from all the nice venues in town. See also ‘L’ plates, veils and the rest of it. Imagine if men on stag dos walked around wearing blow up vaginas? That shit would get shut down. Fast. The worst of the novelty hen do things though is a stripper. It’s like in the same way you think going back to your local club you went to when you were 16 will be ‘a right laugh’ but it just makes you sad, so will a stripper. Ain’t nothing more awkward than a slightly balding man masquerading as ‘Antonio’ looking straight into your eyes while be gently massasges the fake penis he’s attached to his crotch and covered in whipped cream. Not worth the cash.

Employ diplomacy between home friends and work friends

One of the main things to remember when you're put in charge of a hen do it that you might be organising for a whole bunch of very different people. For instance, while you and your best mate make plans through the medium of planning something that day, heading out to a shitty pub and drinking watered down beer while you talk about your vaginas at breakneck speed, your mate's lawyer friends from work might have more erm, refined palates. Plan early, don't dictate and go somewhere that's offensive to no-one. Accept that you're never going to make everyone happy because people are dicks.

Centralise!

If it’s just you and your mate in London, then making the mum of the bride, her aunty and fourteen of your nearest and dearest friends traipse down from Driffield incurring train fares and hotel costs ain’t gonna go down well. Whether it's renting a cottage somewhere in the middle or heading back home for a night out of ironic lols, the easier things can be for your guest, the better.

Like this? Then you might also be interested in:

'Even I Don't Want To Go To My Own Hen Party. And I'm The Bride'

Why Do All Women Get An Instant Personality Transplant The Second They Go On A Hen Night?

What To Do When Your Friend Gets Engaged (Hint: Act Happy, Yeah?)

Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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