The evenings are getting darker, telly is getting better and you probably haven’t shaved your legs in about three weeks (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Aperol spritzes and roof top bars are a fading memory. Autumn is in full swing and it means one thing: Halloween is here.
As a child, celebrating Halloween was all about dressing up in spooky costumes, running door-to-door around your neighbourhood and demanding sweets. If, your my mum was anything like mine and you never had sweets in the house and instead handed out Satsumas and Rivita crackers, your house inevitably got egged. That’s the thing about teenage ghouls - they don’t want nutritious multi-grains they’re only interested in multi-coloured E-numbers. Unless, of course, you’re the old lady at the end of the road handing out cold hard cash, ghouls are prepared to accept cash for sure. TBH I wouldn’t be surprised if kids these days have their own I-Zettle chip and pin machines.
After the age of 18 the prospect of terrorising your neighbours for a Twix bar becomes somewhat less appealing. Your take on Halloween evolves, and boy does it change. No more bin bags, duct tape or old bed sheets. Finally, there is an appropriate time for those questionable stockings you brought at an Ann Summers party in 2007 make an appearance. Cue your 20s: a decade of Halloweens spent clubbing in full fancy dress and themed house parties.
If there’s one Halloween tradition we’ve all worked hard to keep alive it's going out and getting smashed. I mean what’s gorier than a decapitated zombie? A decapitated zombie spewing up his Boots meal deal lunch while waiting for the 171.
The streets will run with fake blood, clubs will have 2-4-1 offers on dubious ‘Sweet Poison Punch’, one of your mates will pass out at 1am after too many vodka jellies only to rise like Lazarus again at 4am. Someone will blow their entire student loan transforming their rented house into a ‘death dungeon’ and throw a very average rager.
As inevitable as the above is, whatever you end up doing this Halloween, even if that’s just venturing out of your front door to grab some milk it’s an absolute certainty that you will bump into at least one of one these people:
The Politically Incorrect Idiot
You know these guys; they will offend and cause controversy with their mildly racist costume.
There’s always someone who wants to set everyone’s ‘that’s not PC radar' off. Why? You ask because what’s funnier than bringing everything that’s wrong with the world to the party. These people thrive on it you see. Halloween is their time, their moment to shine.
They will show up dressed as Jimmy Saville, a Nazi or, if they’re feeling particularly edgy, a Syrian Refugee.
These guys will divide opinion. People will either think they're A) hilarious B) moronic or C) bold but still, nonetheless, moronic. Ironically these are the people you find yourself having heated debates with by the loos, try not to get too caught up these conversations, after all you’re having a political dispute with a wanker dressed as a terrorist. It’s safe to say you’re winning here. Breathe. Walk away.
The Cultural Appropriator
These people are to Halloween what Donald Trump is to politics. They're also cousins of the politicall incorrect idiots. They think that their free speech and expression is being policied, they feel it's an infringement of their human rights.
Probably presenting as a young white man who works in marketing dressed up as a Gollywog and not seeing what the problem is or, worse, arguing that it's their right to dress up this way. Potentially also a sexy native american.
The Bringing Sexy Crew
Standing in the cue for the loo at a house party you will be sure to meet the girl dressed as a: Sexy Witch, Sexy Bunny, Sexy Nurse, Sexy Sainsbury’s Cashier, Sexy Postwoman, Sexy Undertaker, Sexy Gardener, pretty much anything made sexy.
Dancing in the club next to these girls isn’t always good for your self-confidence, especially when you came dressed up as a Victorian-era Egyptian mummy – not so sexy. You’ll feel smug during that a 20minute wait for the night bus because La Senza’s Halloween range was designed with little regard for the British weather.
Keep your eyes peeled for a few Sexy Donald Trumps this year.
The Lazy Commitmentphobes
You decide to get an Uber to the party to insure your kick ass costume doesn’t get ruined: you take all of the component parts with you and assemble it outside the party before knocking on the door. It opens and you are met with the most terrifying thing of all – his name is Dave and he’s the knob who didn’t dress up! Your heart sinks and your stomach turns, there’s that creeping fear that you’re Bridget Jones at the garden party and you didn’t get the memo that this wasn’t a fancy dress party anymore.
You decided to come as Charlotte with web from ‘Charlotte’s Web’ while Dave is dressed as an Assistant Brand Manager from Stoke Newington i.e. himself! He thinks he’s Peep Show funny. He’s not. Cancelling all your evening plans that week in order to stitch up spider legs suddenly feels somewhat embarrassing.
Do not indulge these killjoys with your shame. If Madonna could bounce back from the 2016 Brits, you can bounce back from this entrance of shame. Own it. Work it. Then erase it from your memory and never speak of it again.
The Awkward Peter Pans
Fully grown men in children’s costumes bought off the peg from Asda. They say past behavior is the best predictor of future behaviour so you can pretty much guarantee these guys will be out in large groups and chant on public transport.
You’re likely to encounter them in the smoking area of a club, they’ll lecture you about the benefits of Vaping while you watch their bald head get redder and redder under the outdoor heater. Cue ‘just got to run to the loo’ excuse, leave and never look back.
It always starts out as a laugh with these guys, more often than not it will end in tears. I’m talking Tinkerbelle calling out the guy in a too tight Batman suit for his sexism in the kebab shop.
The Wait, Whats!?!?
Those people whose costumes that you don’t get. They’ve come as something very obscure like an Eighteenth Century political treaty or a Shakespearian sonnet – they’re where walking in joke meets academic obscurity and they really want you to know how smart they are.
They will explain to you what they are in detail and you probably still won’t get it. You will then be subjected to them explaining (mansplaining) it over and over again throughout the evening to other party goers. It gets to 3.00am, and still, you have no idea what they are.
In this instance the best thing to do is draw attention away from the person whose costume questions your intellect and onto someone else, preferably someone dressed as something idiot proof.
Not getting the joke happens to the best of us. Sometimes that penny just will not drop, don’t beat yourself up. Sometimes the costume is just too niche. Fake laugh and move on.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.