Hooray! It’s Bank Hols! All that remains now between you and a weekend of beautiful times is travelling to wherever you’re off to, which, as you well know, is an experience made all the more stressful by the people you’re forced to share a train with. Here's the sorts of people you’re bound to meet on your travels this weekend.
1. The station sprinters
Hovering right next to the platform, they’ve pre-checked that their train’s going to pull in at, they’ve got their Upper Crust in one hand, their ticket in the other and a nervous look on their faces. Of course they’ve got pre-booked seats on the train but that doesn’t stop them from running full pelt towards their carriage as soon as the platform announcement is made. You wouldn’t mind, but it makes you panic too and running through crowded places clutching a backpack and a bag full of gin in a tins isn’t exactly the leisurely start to your weekend you pictured.
2. The girl gang
Still in their nude work heels, hair courtesy of Kate Middleton and clutching a bottle of something pink and fizzy these guys are off on a gals weekend and they’re getting started now. They’ll entertain the whole carriage with endless ‘what are they like?’ tales about their fiancés before exiting the train in Kemble leaving behind them a noxious mix of designer perfumes and a floor full of plastic champagne flutes.
3. The old people that inexplicably booked their tickets at rush hour
He’s got today's copy of the Telegraph and she’s got a book on popular walking routes in the Cumbrian mountains and they've got a combined age of somewhere north of 140 but somehow these two found themselves booked on the 18:45 to Glasgow on Friday night. The shouting, the crushing and the boozing on the train is all too much and they both abandon their reading materials to glare disdainfully from their pre-booked seats at the sorry state of the youth of today.
4. The young people
Jumping on the train just for one stop to the next big shopping town, these guys are determined not to pay the £3.20 their child ticket requires. Cue a lengthy argument with the no-nonsense ticket inspector featuring an impressive list of reasons as to why a basic exchange of money isn’t something that's within their remit as functioning members of society. Handily, the train stands still outside the station for the duration of this argument making you miss your connection at Crewe.
5. The lads
A testosteroney version of the girl gang, these chaps are off to one of their mate’s country piles for a stag/wedding/dinner do and they’re carrying holdalls from their sixth form rugby tour in one hand and garment bags from exclusive Saville Row tailors in their right. They’ll spend the journey revisiting in much detail the many many exploits of their mate Fozzy ('The Fozster!') while quaffing down cans of Kronenberg. They’re the sort that make you realize everyone on Made in Chelsea might actually be that terrible in real life
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6. The chatter
You've spent all week talking to people and all you've been dreaming off today is a nice two hour journey where you can watch those epsiodes of Nashville that you've been saving up for this very occasion. Sadly though, a chap called Kevin from Milton Keynes has plonked himself down next to you and is going to tell you every last detail about his recent trip to the Slimbridge Wetlands Centre whether you like it or not.
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Follow Jess on Twitter @jess_commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.