I read somewhere that having ADHD makes you a better parent. Well yes, I suppose that is true, but the problem is… it often feels the opposite. While you may have read that ‘hyper focus’ and ‘increased creativity’ makes you a wonderful problem solver and multitasker, it’s hard to truly feel like the fun, magical parent that the books are telling you about when you are drowning in school WhatsApp group chats, a sea of unanswered emails and cobbling together last-minute preparations for book day. So much of the time, there's this omnipresent internal critic asking 'You aren’t quite nailing this, are you?'
In my best days as a neurodiverse parent, I am happy, bright, impulsively fun, creatively positive and any other wistful, whimsical adjective you can think of. But on my worst, I dread the school gates. I fear the perceived judgement I read on the faces of parents who see me hurrying my girls in 'just a little later' than everyone else, and I feel a crushing sense of resentment for my ADHD brain that makes even the simplest of tasks such as organising an appointment, or arranging the after-school schedules, a chaotic nightmare. I find myself stuck in a sense of complete overwhelm and freeze. I have so much to do and a complete inability to begin, and a sense that even if I do complete these tasks the likelihood is they will be rushed, haphazard and not quite right.
See, that’s the thing about having ADHD: we will probably get everything done, and others may marvel at the speed in which we accomplish the seemingly unachievable, but we are always left with a sense of 'We got away with it again', never a true sense of achievement or pride, just a brow mopping relief that you’ve gotten through it.
This is one of the hardest things about being an ADHD parent: you never really feel like you’re 'nailing it', even when the tasks have all, just about, been ticked off. You always feel like a mixture of fraud and failure, and you always feel like everyone else sees it. You dread the school mixers, and collections. You feel panicked by the questions about school choices and after-school clubs. You live in the fear that people will see you are not really nailing it.
But mother to mother, I am here to tell you, you are. If you woke up this morning and your intention was to keep your child safe and make them feel loved, you have already done a wonderful job. If you forgot the lunch boxes this morning, but you told your child you loved them as you sent them off to school, you nailed it. If no one had the right PE kit but you sung all your favourite songs in the car, good job mama. If you put your children in bed tonight and you told them seeing them was the favourite part of your day, you, my friend, are a fabulous mother. Because that’s the thing about being a parent; it’s about the small things. It’s about the gentle reminders that you are happy to be in your child’s company. It’s the love, the challenges, the chaos, the fights and the attachment.
I read a beautiful piece of research recently that said, that in a study of securely attached adults who remembered their childhood as a happy one, there was no correlation in the time spent, the money spent or even the 'quality' spent. Instead, it was a memory that their parent enjoyed being their parent. I remember this and carry it with me that even in my own chaotic ADHD living. If all I do is smile with delight when my child comes in the room, I’ve nailed it.
Attachment is a lifelong relationship, and it is not made or broken by a perfect slew of ironed uniforms, completed homework and seamless scheduling. It is a messy, beautiful dance of parent and child loving, fighting, dancing, smiling, battling and enjoying their way through life together. So in whatever way your brain works, if you smiled at your child today and told them 'I love all of you', your day was well spent. But maybe you would also do well to take some time to tell your beautiful, messy brain 'I love all of you' too.