Moving in with your male best mate is all fun and games – until you accidentally fall in love with him
You don’t know this, but last week when you fell asleep on the sofa, I looked at you for a solid 10 minutes. You stirred and for a second I thought you’d noticed what I was doing and I was so mortified I went to bed and left you on the sofa all night. Of course, you told me off in the morning for leaving you downstairs on your own in the cold and, of course, I couldn’t tell you why I had.
To say sorry, I cooked you dinner with all your favourite ingredients even though I couldn’t afford it and it meant I had to walk into work the next day. I didn’t mind because it had made you smile and all the evidence is pointing to the fact that I’d do anything at the moment to see that happen. Because the thing is, while I’ve always loved you, I think I’m beginning to love you love you. It’s a fucking nightmare – how the hell did I get here?
Unlike a few of my male friends where I’ve ‘dabbled’ a bit, I’ve slept in the same bed as you hundreds of times and we’ve never even come close.
When you told me that you needed to move out of your old place, I offered you my spare room without a moment’s thought. We’d been best friends ever since that bungled relationship I had with your mate in my first year of uni. I started hanging out with you initially because I thought it might wind him up, but all thought of him fell away when I realised that we were probably the most well-suited friends I’d ever seen before.
You know me better than anyone and, over the years, we’ve been on dozens of holidays and spent every waking hour together, but for us it’s always been completely platonic. Unlike a few of my male friends where I’ve ‘dabbled’ a bit, I’ve slept in the same bed as you hundreds of times and we’ve never even come close.
People have always suspected that there was something deeper going on but what do people know? For a long time it never even crossed my mind. Anyway, our friendship had been forged over seven long years and we knew what we were – let them talk.
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If I think about it, maybe the problem started even before you moved in. You got with my friend and, for the first time, it bothered me a bit. Not enough to say anything, but when she first told me that she’d snogged you I felt my stomach drop and I was suddenly, irrationally livid with her. It didn’t happen again, so I forgot all about it – but then you slept with another friend who I’ve crossed swords with before. That I really fucking didn’t like.
When I got with your other work colleague again I have to admit that it was half in retaliation and – was I imagining it? – did you squirm a bit when I kissed him at the bar? You certainly had a lot to say about what a ‘player’ he was the next day, even though I’d only ever heard you speak about him kindly before now. We’d watched on as we’d worked our way through each other’s friends and never batted an eyelid, why were we suddenly bothered? Who knows, but we both stopped seeing each other’s friends that night and neither of us have spoken about it since.
These days I’m so self-conscious of wanting to touch you and be near you that I end up sitting miles away from you in case you can see it on my face.
Not that the problem is over. For our entire relationship, we’ve been able to cuddle up to each other a bit on the sofa or share a blanket without even thinking about it, but these days I’m so self-conscious of wanting to touch you and be near you that I end up sitting miles away from you in case you can see it on my face. It’s mental, but when you’re out of the room, I sometimes find myself looking at your iPhone messages and searching my own name to see if you’ve been talking to anyone about me.
I don’t know what’s worse, when you mention my name casually like it doesn’t mean anything, when you bitched about me leaving your washing in the washing machine to your male mate or when you don’t mention me at all for days on end. Each one stings in a different way.
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But that pain is nothing compared to having to listen to you have sex with that girl last weekend – when I heard you two through the walls it felt like I was going to be sick. She’s coming round again tonight – maybe I’m going to have to move out. Either that, or tell you…
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.