According to notorious comedic professeurs YouGov, the youngest child in a family is ‘more funny’ (win for grammar) than the older child, who instead feel a great ‘burden of responsibility’. However, they are totally wrong – I am notoriously HIL-arious (according to a very reliable and very real group of people who prefer not to be named) and two years older than my brother, so deal with that, YouGov, you big fun killers you.
Here’s why being the older child is absolutely way better than being the younger sibling. BTW, other opinions are totally available (most likely from younger siblings) but they’re almost certrainly wrong.
You truly understood the deeper meaning of Spice Girls Mama
Because really, what’s the point of this seminal ode to the single most important lady in your life if it doesn’t come from a place of real feeling? While your younger siblings sat back and rode the wave of the benevolent parenting that you’d carved out for them, you and mum spent your entire teens locked in a hostile stand-off. Mainly because she wouldn’t let you go to a nightclub in a diamante-studded miniskirt when you were 15 (unreasonable). Now that you guys have been through the wars and out the other side though, your relationship has been described by many (you when you're drunk) as incredibly ‘deep’ and/or ‘meaningful’.
You were the sibling equivalent of Steve Jobs
When your younger 13 decided he wanted a phone, what did he do? He remembered back to the time you promised your parents you’d take the bin out for the rest of your waking life in return for a pay as you go contract and a Nokia 3310. Obviously he just pointed that out and got a phone himself but that sort of shit isn’t going to fly in real life. Do you think Arielle Zuckerberg just pointed out that Mark got his own billion-dollar tech company and then got given one, too? Nah.
You will not die first in the apocalypse
You were probably doing fine living off the proverbial and literal teat of mum until about age two or three when your younger brother or sister came along and all of a sudden it was, ‘So long! See ya! Bring back your keep from life down the mines.’ Or something like that, it was a long time ago. Anyways, you had to figure stuff our for yourself while your sibling was fed hand to mouth meaning that when the zombies come you’ll be first out the door down to the local corner shop for canned goods whilst your sibling wastes time calling mum to figure out was to do. Laters sucker.
You will probably be the CEO of a Fortune 500 Company
Well, or whatever the equivalent is depending on your socio-economic status and/or God-given abilities. Being the older child you learned (in no particular order) delegation (‘YOU do the dishes and I’ll let you hang around with me’), people management (‘That’s an interesting idea but really we’re going to watch Rugrats rather than Transformers because I’m right and you’re wrong’), time management (‘I might have five minutes to schedule you in after I hang with my Barbies’) and self motivation (‘If Mum’s too busy changing your nappy I will get those gosh darn Coco Puffs myself’). Invaluable skills on the career ladder.
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Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.