Official Scientific Research Says: All Women Called Jennifer Are Gold Diggers

And other nonsense we learned from a sexist survey today. Enjoy!


by Tracy Ramsden |
Published on

Is your name Jennifer? No? Okay, as you were. But if you answered yes, it’s time to come out with your arms in the air because we know your game and we’re not having any of it. According to a not-very-scientific new survey, if your name is Jennifer, you’re a big money-grabbing gold digger of a girlfriend. Men of the world, you have been warned.

The dubious survey, conducted by background check service, (who else?) trawled their website’s data to find the most-searched female names with petty crime records. Yes, that’s right – you once stole a Rimmel Heather Shimmer lipstick from Superdrug aged 12 and that automatically makes you what Kanye would call a ‘gold digga.’ Wait, what?!

Casual sexism aside (where's the list of gold-digging men?), the survey also manages to offend every Jessica, Michelle and Lisa, who follow-up Jennifer on the ‘handy’ list. But, thankfully, a spokesperson for the site offers some useful advice for all those men on the dating scene who may be considering dating a Jennifer. ‘Look out for a sense of entitlement and check whether they have trouble paying their bills. Gold diggers drop hints that they may be evicted or their car might be repossessed when instead they are buying 400 dollar shoes and watches.’ Wow, you heard it here first.

In light of these findings, and without Jennifers Lawrence, Aniston or Lopez available for comment, we decided to do the sensible thing and speak to a real-life Jennifer to see what the deal was. Namely, Jennifer Dunkerley, a 29-year-old journalist from London.

So, Jennifer, do you only fancy rich men? ‘No. Mostly I feel awkward around the super-rich. I would rather have a night indoors watching Made In Chelsea than dining at Nobu.’

You must hate your name right now though, right? 'Never. I love my name. Lots of my teen heroes were Jennifers. I spent many a Saturday night dancing to J-Lo’s Jenny From The Block like I owned it. Back then, I was the only Jennifer in my school – much better than being one of three Sarahs or two Lucys.’

Sure. But is your boyfriend a little concerned that you’re going to steal all his money now? ‘Hardly. I earn more than my boyfriend, anyway. We live together and split most things 50/50, but it’s usually me who spends the lion’s share in Sainsbury's or treats him to a new pair of trainers. I’d rather have his time than his money, anyway.’

So you’ve never dated a rich man? ‘Never. I have no idea why. I am not put off by wealth, but I wouldn’t say it was the first thing I look for in a man. I have friends who only date rich men and while they are happy, their relationships don’t always seem equal in terms of the decision-making. I wouldn’t like that.’

Are you a petty criminal, then, like all the other Jennifers? ‘No. I am a law-abiding citizen. But I do know a girl called Sophie who regularly used to skip paying for rounds in the pub, accepted handouts from her rich dad to spend on designer handbags and would only date men who could promise her two overseas holidays a year.’

So there you have. In the same way that not all Brads are hot, not all Colins are nerdy and not all Bettys are 85, we can categorically confirm that not all Jennifers are money-grabbing criminals and (almost) all surveys claiming otherwise are utter bollocks.

Follow Tracy on Twitter @Tracy_Ramsden

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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