Now Science Says It’s OK To Be A Grumpy Motherf**ker

It's absolutely not your fault you're like this. Because, you know, science.


by Jess Commons |
Published on

Pissed off and full of hate? Don’t even worry about it, pal. It’s totally not your fault. According to a new study from the chaps over at the University of Warwick, British people are genetically pre-dispositioned to be miserable; something to do with having a ‘short form’ version of the gene that regulates the production of serotonin.

Now that you’ve got an excuse for hating the world, why not indulge yourself? Here are a few things that it’s now totally OK to get irrationally fucked off with.

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People that don’t appreciate how much of your life you just gave up to hold the door open for them

Yeah, don’t even worry about it, big guy, I just wasted three seconds of my life holding back from getting to my next destination to hold a heavy slab of metal in place just so you, a total stranger, could pass through unencumbered.

You’ve seen Sliding Doors, right? Look what a difference three seconds made to Gwyneth Paltrow’s life. If it wasn’t for you, I could have made the tube and bagged myself a fab new boyfriend and a sassy 90s haircut before dying a heroic but beautiful death. And you couldn’t even be bothered to say fucking thank you.

When your flatmate uses up the milk but leaves a dribble

Clearly their train of thought went like this, ‘I reeeeeally want a cup of tea but there’s only enough milk in the carton to make one. I didn’t pay for it so I probably shouldn’t take it all, but wait! Here’s a solution, I’ll only take a BIT and make myself a HALF decent cup of tea so then my flatmate that paid for it can have a half decent one when she gets in, too. That’s fair right?’

I mean it’s not. It’s absolutely not. You’re a total dick. We’d honestly preferred if you took it all. That driplet of milk you left is a joke, one that’s barely going to penetrate the deep brown hue of our sad-looking cup of tea. You’ve ruined everything.

When your friend gets more fries than you at McDonald’s

It’s not like it’s a huge deal, it’s just well, you know, you’ve paid the same for them and yet she’s clearly got seven or eight chips more. Surely those fancy little chip shovels the employees use to do the collecting should be built more carefully for better regulation when it comes to things like this?

The actual worst thing is that she won’t even finish her fries, whereas you would have chomped your way through them like a trooper, WITH another packet of BBQ sauce, thanks very much.

As it is, you can’t exactly *ask *her if you can finish off her leftovers because in her eyes, you guys had exactly the same-sized portion and that would make you greedy. And so you fester in silence while plotting the downfall of the entire McDonald’s empire.

**When celebrities do celebrity-ing all wrong

****This is why people like J-Law. If we suddenly got gifted with a fuck ton of money, a whole wardrobe of new clothes and international fame on a Kim Kardashian scale, then no way would we spend our lives giving interviews to womens’ magazines **talking about how we ‘barely drink’ and are happiest ‘having a night in’.

That’s shit we *have *to do because in our pathetic lives our bank balance reads a big fat -£835. You, my friend, have money. There’s no excuse for being a boring douchebag, none at all. Plus, why aren’t they all wearing ball dresses all day everyday? Because that’s totally what we’d do.

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**When people don’t ‘get’ the TV show that you like

**Hey, if people actively *hate * something that you love and can reasonably argue as to why it’s not for them, fine. We appreciate the human race is made great by everyone being individual and expressing their different interests. What we *won’t *tolerate, though, is this: ‘Oh, I watched the first episode and yeah, it didn’t really grab me, if you get what I mean?’

This, my friend, is because you didn’t properly invest. We’ve spend over 38 hours of our free time fitting episode after episode of this television show into our (admittedly not very) busy lives over the past few weeks and for you to say casually that you don’t ‘get’ it? That’s an insult to the life we’ve chosen to lead.

Go back to watching Strictly Come Dancing just because ‘nothing else was on’. Dick.

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Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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