So it turns out that 'Man Flu' is actually a bonafide thing, and that men get sick because they don't have the sex hormones that boost women's immune systems. That means they get ill more often, though. It doesn't mean their flu is more debilitating, which (after a quick poll around The Debrief office) you wouldn't be able to tell judging by the shit ill men say. Or rather, #shitillmensay.
Obviously we're not tarring all dudes with the same brush, but cliches always contain the seed of truth - and that seed of truth can be found when your boyfriend asks you to come round then blinks sadly at you for six hours, too weak to make himself a sandwich or pop out to get some milk because he's got a bit of a cold. On the other hand, my boyfriend had tonsillitis last week and continued to work nine hour days so there are exceptions to the rule.
He still said some mad shit though, which leads me to The Debrief guide to #shitillmensay. Way more accurate than #shitgirlssay.
**'I think I'm delirious' **
Delirium is an intense form of hallucination via a fever, where the victim has strange thoughts and visions because they're literally so ill their brain is going mad. Having a cold and feeling a bit hot overnight while dreaming that you're flying over a corn field with Dr Ock from Spiderman 2 isn't delirium. Neither is getting confused about dates or times.
**'Could you go to the shop? I can't muster the energy to buy bread' **
This is fair enough because, when you've got a cold, the last thing you want to do it walk around Tesco in your pyjamas, snotting all over the fresh fruit. Going to get food for your ill significant other is the whole point of being a significant other. What isn't part of being a significant other is having them say 'Oh it doesn't matter what you buy, get anything' and then, when you return with healthy, vitamin-rich, food, they look shifty and suggest ordering a Dominos.
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**'I don't need painkillers' **
Oh. Why are you groaning then?
tentative attempts to have sex with you
Ha yes there's nothing sexier than a rednosed and clammy snot-machine who smells of Vicks. Actually, sometimes it can be quite cute, but you've got to resist the urge to yell 'OH BUT YOU CAN'T GO AND GET A GLASS OF WATER?" at the point of climax. See also: hangovers. Why does spending the morning with our head in a toilet give us the horn?
**'I feel like I'm dying' **
There's no real way you can respond to this. 'Awww' tends to work. And 'have a nap'. Saying 'well you're not dying' doesn't work, in case you're interested.
**'I don't want to go to the doctor' [said with a throat the size of a country or all the symptoms of septicaemia] **
This is usually interspersed with musings on possible diseases they may have contracted as found on amateur medical forums written by conspiracy theorists in 1995. When I Google diagnose, my boyfriend rolls his eyes and tells me to go and see a medical professional. When he was ill last week, he didn't see a doctor because Google told him it was bacterial, or some shit. Needless to say, a week later his whole neck swelled up, and he had to find a mega expensive out-of-hours doctor who was confused as to why he hadn't gone to see someone sooner. It's not a good idea to say 'I told you so' at this point, when they're £200 down and still ill a week later.
'The bug must have mutated since you had it'
NO I JUST DEALT WITH IT BETTER. Or rather, just nod and smile and say something like, 'No I don't think that's how colds work'. Then make them eat a satsuma. Because someone, somewhere has imprinted on everyone's brains that satsumas cure colds.
'I can't go outside with wet hair or it'll get worse'
Or other weird advice they've either got from their mum, or the aforementioned amateur medical forums written by conspiracy theorists in 1995. My boyfriend believes that if I have a hot shower after seeing him, I won't get his man flu. Other choice tidbits include: if you go out with wet hair, you'll get a cold (as if viral infections just appear as if from nowhere at the mere mention of a chilly breeze) and a room that smells of damp will give you the flu (he lights scented candles to ward off the virus). Maybe that's just my boyfriend, though. He's obsessed with moisture and temperature to the extent he bought a dehumidifyer and spends most evenings turning the heating on and off.
'I don't need to change my bed'
Yes you do, Jesus.
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Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevieM
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.