No-one single sends Valentine's Day cards these days. No-one I know does anyway. But how are you meant to flirt on 14th Feb without sending a handmade card written in your own blood? And how can you catch the attention of someone who might not even know your name? If you've always wondered how to get the attention of a really, really, really handsome man on Valentine's Day, I'm here to tell you.
**Online dating **
If any girl ever likes anything I ever post online - even if it's, for instance, a 'Happy Birthday' - I just assume that they well fancy me, have dreams about me. Most of my mates say they feel the same. So it's likely best to never like anything your crush posts, not ever. Similarly if you fancy someone and you want them to know, like one thing they posted on Facebook approximately six months ago. They'll just know.
And if you really want to hammer the message home, get snarky. The new liking, is disliking. The new sharing, is leaving a snide comment. Start an argument with somebody you fancy online, in front of everbody, and try accusing them of sexism, fascism, trustafarianism - something like that - and then blocking them. This way they'll be annoyed with you, and out of that annoyance, maybe, will come forever love. Probably.
Negging
In the old days (well in California in the noughties) men were taught to attract women by mild hypnosis or by negging, which basically meant saying negative things. Speaking as a bloke, I think negging would work really well the other way round, too. Why not sit next to someone you fancy and absolutely ignore them? Or, better, say something confusing and confusingly undermining. Tell him, for example that he reminds you of...
Ross from Friends, or cheese and onion crisps, or a potato or something. He'll be befuddled, thinking 'why, why, why?' and you'll just be saying, 'oh, nothing, it's just you, that's just what you're like.'
Confusion is paramount, chaos, that's how wars are won. You might, perhaps, write to him over and over in cryptic emoji that are impossible to understand: frog symbols, glasses of red wine, waving hands. You might, better yet, sow total emotional disarray with a Facebook sticker pack, one of those weird ones like the Sinister Oyster or that businessman thing with a fish-for-a-face.
Say it with coffee (this only works if you're a reasonably fit barista, or you know a barista)
This morning I went to Starbucks and it was absolutely full of love hearts, on the walls, in the coffees, on the cups. I went in with an attractive colleague and the debonair European barista drew all sorts of smiley faces, erotic squiggles and stick figures across her cup; all that was written on mine was my name, incorrectly. So if you work in Starbucks and you fancy one of the customers, draw something sexy on their cup, perhaps something grotesque and inappropriate. if you work at Subway, write your number in ranch dressing on a footlong.
You could also ask a Starbucks barista to write anything you want on a coffee - 'buy me flowers' or 'you and me forever' or 'you can do anything to me!' - transforming that coffee into a steamy present for your object of desire. Say it with coffee, that's my advice. Personalise it and pass it on.
**Keep it traditional, or go large **
If I wished to send an anonymous present to a girl I would send a beautiful bouquet of flowers. But what about boys, what are flowers for boys? I think that instead of flowers you should send a pack of cigarettes (in wrapping paper), or a pizza. In a London department store the other day I noticed that this year's suggested Valentine's gift for a gentleman was a bottle of that Diesel fragrance that's shaped like a fist, but myself I think it's best to keep fisting out of the picture. Or you could send a cuddly toy, but a quite masculine cuddly toy, like a goblin shark or a vampire squid.
In days-gone-past a girl might make a boy a mixtape, a twee, romantic mixtape. But today I would suggest commissioning him an opera as a grand gesture. Grand gestures are still important, for instance, the Trojan Horse was built to rescue the beautiful Helen of Sparta.
On crafts site Fiverr you can commission all sorts of works of art from creatives all across the world for only a fiver. So, you might have a love song written and then sung, or an opera composed and then performed as a puppet show, all for the one you love. That should melt even the coldest heart.
Lastly, love spells. Maybe try buying a love spell online - although unfortunately they have been banned by eBay - and cast it upon anyone you are crushing on. And, on the subject of magic and witchcraft, a young lady once handed a friend of mine a cow's heart cut up into letters that spelt out 'I don't care anymore.' Admittedly not on Valentine's Day. He says it was "kind of cool" but nonetheless it did not rekindle their romance. So that's one to consider.
Hand a stranger a cookie on the street. Post a needlessly provocative selfie. Smile and say hello. Invite someone on a highly ambiguous half-date at a life-drawing class. Hug somebody for a little too long. Write their name on a heart-shaped balloon and allow it to float away into the clouds with all your desire. Good luck and bon chance!
Liked this? You might also be interested in:
Valentine's Day Isn't All Roses When You're In A Lesbian Couple
Bleak-Ass Films To Watch On The Internet This Valentine's Day
Don't Spend £155 On Valentine's Day Because It Would Be Rubbish Whatever You Do
Follow Dean on Twitter @deankissick
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.