Happy 5th birthday, Instagram. In the tech world, you’re now a middle-aged lady. Well done you on taking over our phones and our lives.
While we’re perfectly happy to spend oh, roughly 57% of our time scrolling through our carefully created feed, there are a couple of things created by your existence that really grind our gears. Things like...
1. Grown-ups saying ‘selfies’
Mums, bosses, middle-aged people on TV... they know the word, they heard it on a segment on the radio about how Generations Y and Z are too narcissistic to get proper jobs. Now they know the word, they’re sure as hell going to add it to their everyday lexicon even if it kills them. It’s just a shame they can’t manage to say it without spitting it out in disgust like it’s a bag of Mattessons Fridge Raiders.
‘You know.... one of those....*selfies,’ *they say, often with air quotes, always with disdain.
2. People that can’t tell the difference between Facebook in 2011 and Instagram
In this time of self-curation and personal branding, the concept of the Facebook ‘album’ is long gone. So long ‘Magaluf 2014’, sayonara ‘Second Year Fun Times’. These days it’s all about editing down the 450 shots from the previous night and posting one or two excellent shots. Ditto for Instagram.
Nobody’s got time for 30 pictures of you and your family doing the conga at your cousin Bev’s wedding in Rochdale. Not even Bev.
3. Data shortages
Back when we just used our phones for Twitter, Facebook and news websites, we managed just fine with 176mb of data a month, ta very much EE. Now though, loading 40-odd pictures on Instagram each day means that that dreaded, ‘You've hit 80% of your allocated monthly data allowance’ text comes through a hell of a lot earlier in the month.
As a result, you’ve collected Wi-Fi passwords from every pub, shop and restaurant within a 30-mile radius, have actually paid for Wi-Fi on a Virgin Train (that one didn’t feel good, did it?) and have found yourself researching whether or not you can get loyalty points from signing into the Cloud.
4. The old Fake Out Follow
Nothing feels better than getting a notification saying you’ve got a new follower on Instagram (save for actually getting a text from a real live human being, but let’s be honest, how often does* *that ever happen?).
But when that follower turns out to be called ‘kAlEiYgH543990254’, has three followers and no more than 12 pictures of random crap they’ve found online on their feed, it’s safe to assume that rather than finding a new friend who's super interested in the aesthetics of your life, you’ve got yourself another bot to add to your ever-growing collection.
5. Weekend FOMO
Once upon a time, you happily whiled away your weekend hours knee deep in crisp packets, still in bed watching Ru Paul’s Drag Race, perfectly oblivious to the fact that some people actually *did *stuff on weekends. Stuff like, make coffee, go for a country walk and, this one was most suprising, meet up with all their friends for a giant pub roast session.
Now, thanks to Instagram, you feel compelled to do the same thing. As a result, you’re anxious from all the coffee, poor from all the trips to the countryside and heavily overweight from the seven full roast chickens you’ve consumed in as many weeks. Back to bed it is.
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Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.