As some of us find ourselves back in the insane, improbable, once-completely- unthinkable, now- offensively-familiar state of lockdown, and the rest of us wait, limbo-like, for it to be reinstated, trembling beneath the prospect like it’s the Sword of Damocles, only, less pointy, more immeasurably dull... Now would be a good time for some LD housekeeping.
First, I’d like to propose a rebrand. Let us consider this not Lockdown 2, but rather Lockdown 2.0, an upgrade on the first, complete with some nifty new features and bug-rectifying tech. The eradication of the belief our survival depends on hefty personal reserves of loo roll, for example.
Second, let us not make the mistake of becoming overinvolved with our neighbours. According to exhaustive research (completed by, um, my mate), it takes the average person between 10 days to 2.2 weeks of lockdown to go from thinking their neighbours are, like, the coolest, funnest, most diverting, easily-accessed super-dependable friends they never knew they had – their postcode peeps! Their community! – to finding them fundamentally annoying in every respect. Their taste in music: borderline criminal. Their inability to talk at a normal volume on the phone while loitering outside your flat, as opposed to, say, their own: a reason for you to have the subtitles on your telly, all the damn time, and their lurky presence: a hazard to be carefully negotiated with stealth-manoeuvres through communal areas, lest you be dragged into a lecture on whichever conspiracy theory is currently lighting up their Facebook algorithms...
Third, do not start a novel. Not because I think you’re doomed to not finish it, and will thus condemn yourself to a downward spiral into the sinkhole of failure, but rather, because I’m worried you will – possibly even get it published. The last thing the world of this time next year will need is a glut of fiction the overall tone of which is informed by the EMN: the Existential Malaise of Now. We’ll want decadence, joy and dancing girls: depend upon it.
Fourth, do not acquire a lockdown bae. Do not move a romantic prospect in because the fear of being alone in LD, multiplied by the intensity, the utter madness of this moment, makes premature cohabitation seem like a brilliant idea. It is, in fact, a terrible idea. The ways in which it will blow up in your face will prove highly amusing to all those who know you/told you not to do it in the first place, but will be jolly grim for you. Especially when Lockdown Bae refuses to move out because they haven’t found anywhere better than your kitchenette from whence to lead their online ashtanga yoga class, so you end up sleeping in your car.
Fifth. Do not lose your marbles. The threat of apocalypse is subject to the law of diminishing returns, can only lose its edge the second time around. Sanguine resignation is the vibe for Lockdown 2.0.
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Sixth. Do not for one moment start thinking All This will make you a better person. A person who meditates, appreciates the little things, blah, blah. We dropped all that shizzle the instant the pubs reopened, remember? We will only do it again.
Seventh. Keep your bloody bras on.