‘I Feel Like I’m Being Pushed Out Of My Boss’s Inner Circle – What Do I Do?’

In a world of in­spi­ra­tional memes and #girlboss In­sta­gram posts, it’s easy to for­get that we all get stuck at work, or feel like we can’t find a way for­ward at times. Sue Uner­man is the Chief Trans­for­ma­tion Of­fi­cer at Me­di­a­Com and Kathryn Ja­cob OBE is the Chief Ex­ec­u­tive at Pearl and Dean. To­gether they wrote The Glass Wall: Suc­cess Strate­gies For Women At Work And Busi­nesses That Mean Busi­ness. Their new book Belonging, The Key to Transforming and Maintaining Diversity, Inclusion and Equality At Work is out on now. Each week an­swer your work ques­tions with prag­matic, hon­est ad­vice that’s proven to work…

Q. I have a new boss, and I feel a bit left out of his inner circle, and it is preventing me from focusing. I have been at my current job for 5 years, and he has just been promoted from another division. I was very close to my old boss (who has also been promoted), and she and I had lots of informal chats. I don’t get this with my new boss, and I think he has a circle of trusted people that I am not in. We are all still working from home, so I don’t even see him accidentally in the corridor and it is now 3 months since I have had a one to one conversation. What shall I do?

KJ: Put yourself in his position. He is probably aware that you were close to the previous holder of the job and he may feel uncertain of the reception he will get from you. Plus, he is trying to find his feet in a new role with new responsibilities, so he is probably not able to deliver those touchpoints that you had grown used to. Perhaps you should suggest an informal chat with him saying you just want to keep him up to date.

SU: But don’t use this chat to complain about things. You can and should say how you are feeling, but try and do this unemotionally if you can, and don’t start there. Start by asking him what is on his mind. And listen. He should, I would hope, reciprocate by asking you what is on your mind, and he will know that you have some kind of agenda even if you say it’s just a general catch up. Start with a positive, praise him for something he has introduced. Then you can say that you are worried that you’re not in the loop over something specific, and that this is a change of working practice for you. Hear his response and then ensure that you finish on a positive note too.

KJ: The key thing is not to just leave this as a one off. Follow in a couple of weeks with an email or some point of contact that keeps momentum going and keeps you top of mind. Frequently the first time that some leaders are aware of an issue is when there is an emotional outpouring that could have been avoided with regular catch ups. Stay in touch frequently, but not constantly to ensure you are in the centre of his attention. Have you thought about getting close to someone who is in the circle of trust, who do you know, and how can you help them? You could use the lack of contact in the office to set up a cup of coffee in person now that is safe to do so to make new bonds.

SU: Kathryn has talked about putting yourself in his shoes, however it is also true that he needs to have some awareness of how you feel and the fact is that you won’t be the only person feeling the difference, and possibly missing a sense of Belonging from the old regime. As we say in our book, Belonging the key to transforming and maintaining diversity inclusion and equality at work, feeling left out really is a problem at in the workplace. Especially during remote working, but in truth I was speaking to somebody today who talked about how he felt like he didn’t belong at his job for months, and that was all he could think about, rather than trying to do his job well. Your boss needs some awareness of what is going on, he may have an inner circle who are supporting each other and him, but that is not enough. A good leader ensures everyone has a sense of belonging at work. Now what can you do about this? My advice to anyone in this situation would be to take some leadership yourself. So reach out to others in your organization and try and ensure that as many people do feel included as you can. You have influence and if you focus on helping others feel included you will lose your sense of isolation.

KJ: The key thing is that in creating your own contribution to the overall well being of your company means that you cannot be ignored. As well as helping others you will be helping yourself and your boss. It is fair to say that no-one has all the answers at the moment and you might be surprised at how uncertain others feel about their role, their contribution. Make it your special mission to create a community that enables your colleagues to feel supported and that they are in a better kinder workplace. In doing this you will also help yourself feel valued. Feeling valued can come from your colleagues as well as your boss.