In a world of inspirational memes and #girlpost Instagram posts, it’s easy to forget that we all get stuck at work, or feel like we can’t find a way forward at times. Sue Unerman is the Chief Transformation Officer at MediaCom and Kathryn Jacob OBE is the Chief Executive at Pearl and Dean. Together they wrote The Glass Wall: Success Strategies For Women At Work And Businesses That Mean Business. Each week answer your work questions with pragmatic, honest advice that’s proven to work…
Q: My boss gives me constant feedback that I should control my emotions. Should I ? What do you advise?
SU: I hope that this isn’t their only feedback to you. Let me ask you a question. Are you only focussing on the negative part of what you’re hearing? We all tend to do this. There might be 5 positives and one area of improvement potential and all we hear is the negative. You must be able to bring all of yourself to work. However that has to include controlling your emotions appropriately and indeed channelling them strategically. I personally don’t like to cry at work in front of people. I actually don’t mind it when I am sad, but it really annoys me if its because I am angry, but it looks like I’m upset. So I will always try and remove myself from the situation as soon as possible and go for a walk or a cup of coffee to think about how I am really feeling and what I want to do about it.
KJ: Sue, you do know that you can’t cry and whistle at the same time? So if you think that you’re going to cry, just pretend that you’re about to whistle. It works I promise you. It could be that your boss is someone who has a negative perception of emotions and sees them as challenges or just an irritant to a logical, linear, way of working. Interestingly, companies that thrive the most are ones that have a strong culture and culture comprises of shared values, experiences, and the ability to create a sense of belonging. Work would feel flat and lack colour if people didn’t bring their emotions to work. Examine your behaviour. Are there certain triggers that you react more strongly too? Are you more emotional than your colleagues or are you just more open to expressing it. Also, have you calmly asked your boss, what is it about your reaction that is not contributing to your workplace? It could be that they have a perspective which sees work in a different way to you.
SU: “Too emotional” is a meaningless descriptor anyway because it isn’t actually specific. Emotions cover a variety of things, and I bet they don’t dislike you being passionate about order or delivery, or enthusiastic about a project. It would help if you can get them to be precise and to cite examples. A balanced conversation about what they find difficult would help the team dynamic. There are times when people bring emotional reactions in to the workplace that don’t belong there. For example if someone feels disappointment about being left out of a team or being passed over for someone else. The truth may be that this is perfectly reasonable decision in the big picture. Perhaps another colleague may have a skill set that fits that team better this time. If the reaction of the person that has been left out is to sulk and to down tools then really they need to check in on whether it is appropriate. Also it doesn’t mean that they are likely to be picked next time either. They cannot get rid of how they feel, but perhaps they can make a decision about how they show it. Try and be strategic about this. Yes, feeling left out is a disappointment, but the way to be included next time is to show immense support for the project (I know this sounds counter-intuitive) however being authentic in the workplace doesn’t mean showing all your instant reactions all the time. You can do that in your own time when you’re not being paid as a team member.
KJ: In a world of Artificial Intelligence and robots supposedly about to take all our jobs, emotions and empathy with emotion is one of the key elements of humanity that they can’t replicate. Examine your colleagues, look at what you bring and channel your sense of empathy and belonging so that your emotions contribute positively to the workplace. I would rather live a life at work of full colour from my colleagues than a muted automaton stifling semi-existence without emotion.
SU: It sounds like you have only too real experience of that kind of workplace in the past Kathryn! The other point to make is that emotion can be used really pointedly to get what you want. One of the case studies in our book, The Glass Wall, success strategies for women at work and businesses that mean business, concerns a team leader who once purposefully over reacted to a situation – a resignation – in order to make a point. She’d stored up the feeling from another time when she had really cared about something, but not shown it, and really went to town over something that she minded about less. This felt more under her control. And she had a point to make. She wanted to show the team just how unhappy she was about losing one of her inner circle and had a full temper fit in the meeting about it. She said: “this was useful for two reasons, first it made it clear to the inner team that I would not let people leave lightly. Second it showed them that I expected their loyalty on a personal level”. She confided in us that she wasn’t really emotionally involved with the leaver in this case. This might seem strange, but we got it. That would have been too upsetting and overwhelming. She showed emotion in a controlled way, and drew a line, in case the leaving became contagious.
Use emotion carefully and it will give energy to your career.
Sue and Kathryn’s book The Glass Wall, Success Strategies For Women At Work And Businesses That Mean Business is available from amazon.
Have you got a question you’d like Sue and Kathryn to answer? Email your questions to feedback@graziamagazine.co.uk. Please note, we will be unable to respond to every single question we receive, and will not be able to respond to any questions personally