Last week, I found myself at the foot of a staircase in an underground station, laden with a gigantic suitcase. And I mean gigantic (seriously, the size of the thing…)
There was no lift or escalator available, so my only option was to drag it up the stairs, step by step, heave by heave. As I stood there, contemplating the Herculean task ahead, my thoughts were disturbed by a middle-aged man who tapped me on the shoulder and asked, ‘Can I help you with your bag?’
I know… Panic.
First of all, the tap gave me a fright. As in, I literally jumped. Tapping someone on the shoulder is a hostile thing to do, I surmised; strangers must know not to do this.
My second thought was, should I let him?
These were the things to consider:
Was his offer a ruse to rob me? An amusing way of getting me to hand-deliver my luggage direct to him, the thief, who’d then make off with it? (Though logically, what would be the appeal in that? To have a suitcase sale of my old bras?)
Another fear was that he’d want something in return, like my number. It sounds arrogant to say it – and let’s be clear, the last time a stranger asked for my number was in a club in the early Noughties – but it’s not entirely beyond the realms of possibility, therefore valid.
Was his offer a sexist insinuation; one that implied I, as a woman, was too weak to carry my little bag and would therefore need a big strong man to assist. In which case, of course, no thanks, I could manage…
My final thought – and this was the one I acted on, albeit reluctantly – was that perhaps he was just being nice. He had witnessed my internal meltdown, that had manifested itself visibly as a scowl, and he had thought he might be able to help.
Cautiously, I replied: ‘Umm… that would be great. Thank you.’
The guy got hold of my suitcase and scooped it up the steps. I followed closely behind him (in retrospect, also a hostile thing to do – who likes being chased upstairs?). At the top, he turned to me and said, ‘Will you be alright getting it through the barriers?’
I obviously couldn’t ask for more help from this man so naturally I said: ‘Yes of course, I’ll be fine. Thank you for your help. Thank you.’
And that was it. He left. The end.
In that moment, though, I had a very uncomfortable feeling. I felt guilty; guilty because I had been so suspicious of someone simply trying to help.
Are we right to be cautious of chivalry?
‘With its medieval origins, chivalry might be seen as a slightly outmoded concept nowadays,’ says Debrett’s, the authority on British etiquette and all things manners-related. ‘[It might be seen] even as a man asserting his control by lending assistance to a woman.
Its principles lie in politeness and consideration for others, however, so chivalry should arguably be practised by both men and women. It’s basic good courtesy to offer to help if someone is struggling with their bags or in need of a seat even if they're not elderly or pregnant, but each situation will usually require a degree of judgment and intuition.’
Judgment and intuition; that seems sensible. But many of us have had experience of being scammed, so is it any wonder we think we’re too trusting? Surely it’s better to just be suspicious of everyone – safer rather than sorry…?
What a depressing thought; one that surely spells the end for chivalry. Because if strangers think we’ll view their offers of help as somehow sinister, obviously they’ll stop offering. (And then how will we get that darn buggy onto the train?)
I think it comes down to the absence of a code of conduct. Sometimes our fears of accepting help arise because we are unsure of what it means to accept it. So perhaps it would be a good idea to make up some rules – so we’re all clear.
For the record, I’m defining chivalry here in the context of someone offering help to someone they do not know.
1.) Chivalrous acts do not require ‘payment’
As Debrett’s rightly point out, ‘Chivalry should be unconditional, and treated as such. Those on the receiving end of assistance, whether from a man or a woman, shouldn't feel obliged to offer anything in return’. It is the fear that we might be indebted to someone that often adds to the initial panic about whether or not to accept help. This rule should clear that up.
2.) It’s OK to say ‘No’ to a chivalrous offer
Sometimes you don’t want to sit down. Sometimes you packed your bag heavier on purpose so you’d get a workout by lugging it around (unlikely, but that’s how you console yourself). If you say ‘no’ to someone’s offer of help, you mustn’t feel guilty.
‘If you don’t need or want help,’ Debrett’s suggest, ‘a simple “that’s kind of you, but no thank you” should suffice.’ And if you’re on the receiving end of this, don’t take it personally.
3.) You don’t have to feel guilty if someone offers to undertake a tiresome task on your behalf
Sometimes I turn down offers of help with my luggage (I pack A LOT) because I can’t bear the thought of someone putting themselves out over of my inability to pack lightly. It’s important to remember, however, that people like to feel helpful. If they’ve offered to help, it’s probably because they want to.
4.) Accepting help does not make you weak – and offering doesn’t mean you think a person is either
You’re just someone who packs too much – or someone who likes lifting luggage.
5.) ‘Yes’ means ‘yes’ and ‘No’ means ‘no’
If you decline an offer of help, that should be the end of it. ‘No, I insist…’ shouldn’t feature. Some people feel too timid to accept help first time round and need a little coaxing, but they shouldn’t. It confuses everyone.
If there was a rule we all knew that stated if we wanted help we would say ‘YES’ straight off, and if we didn’t we’d say ‘NO’, that would help a lot of us out.
With these rules in place, it should be a lot easier to accept help with the good spirit in which it is offered (and feel good about accepting it too). Sadly, there are no rules to decipher whether a person will actually run off with your suitcase – but hopefully our judgement and intuition will help with that.
I therefore hope there will always be a place for chivalry in our ever-changing society… Of course though, if no one ever offered us help, we might get a little better at asking for it; but that’s another matter entirely.
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