Fact: zombies are scary. Disclaimer: this article has nothing to do with Halloween.
The image of a ravenous, decaying, undead creature is categorically dreadful. What’s also dreadful is that increasingly our smartphones are turning us all in to phone zombies (entities that have an alarming amount in common with actual zombies).
The stuff that sustains phone zombies? Facebook updates, Tinder matches, tweets, emails and Insta-feeds. Sound familiar? Do read on.
Our obsessions with our palm sized screens means we’re all adopting a zombie stance (which is not cool in a dance-routine-from-Thriller kind of way. It’s unappealing, in a foggy eyed, crotch-gazing, often-crashing-in-to-stuff kind of way).
Who hasn’t launched themselves at oncoming traffic whilst Whatsapping? Or been startled by an elbow jab at a checkout queue because YouTube holes are just like black holes (good luck escaping from inside)?
Phone zombies amble around in an app-induced trance, looking at their phone hungrily, possessed by an insatiable need to feed from that glowing thing we still refer to as phone, but seldom make calls on.
What’s even more troublesome is phone zombie-ism is very contagious. Watching another phone zombie get their fix makes you want to do the same.
Let’s not pretend we don’t identify. It’s really difficult to prioritise watching where you’re going, when you could be watching a video of pandas being delightful on your walk to work. Is there a better way to start the day?
Our blinkered fixation on our phones is understandable. Because this isn’t about demonising tech. What tech can offer information and connection-wise is awesome.
However, the phone zombie outbreak is a health issue. Seriously. Hardened phone zombies have the kind of posture no amount of Pilates can correct. And watching where you’re going is really important if you want to avoid crashing in to cars, street furniture and other people.
Your new motto: shoulders back, eyes ahead.
And if you wanted to double check whether you can be classified as a real phone zombie, here's a brief checklist...
14 Ways You Know You're A Phone Zombie
1. Ouch. You’ve just walked into a lamp post. And this has happened on more than one occasion, come to think of it.
2. You have nearly been hit by a car, bike, taxi, actually any sort of moving vehicle.
3. Trains over cars = more phone time.
4. 90% of your bruises are caused from your iPhone.
5. You have often walked past friends or A-listers and never even noticed.
6. Actually, Ryan Gosling could stroll past, and you wouldn't even glance up at his angelic face.
7. Getting off at the wrong stop because you are glued to your screen (and it will probably take seven stops to notice your mistake).
8. You think you are lost because you are looking at your google maps not the actual real life streets.
9. You find out about everything you know in the world via social media.
10. The real stress you feel when you have no data. It's more than stress, it's panic, a cold sweat really. And if GPRS makes an appearance it is definitely the kiss of death.
11. You dropped your phone in the bath or loo (yes this has happened) because you will never be parted from it.
12. To reiterate, you have a posture that no pilates can correct.
13. You couldn’t make your phone battery last a day if your life depended on it.
14. If you don't reply to your whatsapps in a few hours, your friends seriously worry about what has happened to you.
Words by Georgia Simmonds.