‘Neighbours Have Made Assumptions That I’m Merely My Husband’s Flatmate’ – The Reality Of Being In A Mixed-Race Marriage

It is said that love is one of the purest things one can ever hold and bestow. It’s kind, it doesn’t envy, it doesn’t boast and it rejoices in truth. The Beatles once sang: ‘All you need is love.’ Yet perhaps one of the most flimsy, if not pernicious, of all these romanticised notions is that love doesn’t ‘see’ colour. I understand the rationale for this thought: how young children can form friendships without race being an issue, and how two people can fall in love despite the invisible systems that make interracial relationships still feel unacceptable in 2020.

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The truth is, for many interracial couples, discussions around race, privilege and disadvantage form the background of our lives and how we navigate the world together. Not only do we deal with being racially different, we also deal with the differences in culture and mentalities. This is all the more apparent when dinner-table chat around politics, current affairs and indeed race – particularly in light of the recent killings of Black people – triggers impassioned debate on everything from what actually constitutes racism to our own culpability in upholding oppressive systems. Among family and friends, discussions within this so-called safe space can emphasise a gaping disparity in lived experiences, which can be alienating and a surprising arena for racial gaslighting.

I’m an African-American woman married to a white British man. When Alex and I first started dating nine years ago – we met on a masters degree course in London – and even into the first few years of our marriage, race was a problematic topic for us. Difficulties would arise when friends or even strangers would make insensitive, inappropriate or subtly racist comments – and my husband would not perceive this or call them out on it. On occasion, he would even defend them.

If internal relationship struggles weren’t enough, dealing with daily microaggressions compounded the difficulties. Stares, laughs and racially inappropriate questions are still a regular occurrence for us. When other people react to our relationship, Alex and I have different experiences. White strangers are often surprised when they discover we’re married – even if they see us holding hands with our wedding rings on full display. Neighbours have made assumptions that I’m merely my husband’s flatmate; some even say to him that it ‘must be hard being with a Black woman’. Meanwhile for me, some men in the Black community query why I’m not with a Black man instead.

When the 2017 movie Get Out became a box-office hit, interracial couples started becoming ‘cool’. Optimistically, I began to think that perhaps the tide was changing and couples like us would finally be accepted. Then a Black man spat in my face when he saw me kissing my husband in the street – a humiliating experience and one that, I assume, was designed to make me feel like a traitor to my own race.

I’ve grown up having to fight to be heard and respected. But the treatment I sometimes receive for being with my husband does make me hesitant at the idea of starting a family. I know what it’s like to navigate this world as a Black woman. But I don’t know what it’s like to be mixed race. How can I teach someone to navigate this world as a part of two identities if I don’t even know how to myself ?

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In the States, someone who is half Black is usually accepted within the Black community; they are regarded as Black and embraced as one of our own. But in the UK, I have witnessed how mixed-race friends have been told by those in the Black community that they are not Black, despite them identifying as such. To be told by the community you identify with that you don’t belong is heartbreaking. Do I want to watch a potential child of mine be alienated in such a way?

Alex and I have lots of conversations about race. Though the topic is emotively heavy, we’ve definitely become closer and I feel he now has a better understanding of the daily oppressions that people like me face. He’s also more aware of the existence of his privilege and can identify racist behaviours he might not have previously been able to see.

However, we view this global Black Lives Matter movement differently. Sometimes, Alex’s eyes glaze over when I start to give him yet another – what he calls – ‘lecture’ on race. But, like it or not, BLM has forced interracial couples to re-evaluate the dynamics of their relationship and their perception of each other within today’s society. It’s a trying process than can test love to the very limits. But these differences don’t need to be divisive. They can unify and help us learn.

And, as I always remind Alex, if he finds it exhausting to hear me talk about racism, try living with racism every single day.

Tineka Smith is the co-author of‘Mixed Up: Confessions Of An Interracial Couple’ out now on Audible