If you’ve been a good internetter over the past few days you’ve almost definitely seen HelloFlo’s excellent new ad about a girl that wants her period so badly that she paints a pad with nail varnish and fibs to her mum about it. It turn, her mum throws her a very awkward ‘First Moon’ party to embarrass her into admitting the truth. While it is totally hilarious, it did remind us how horrendously awkward and uncomfortable the whole thing was at the time; 'Mum stop saying the word *vagina. *God I wish I was dead.' Here's a few minefields you had to navigate.
Being the very first one
‘Oh hey Marie, no sorry I can’t come to your 9th birthday sleepover and drink lots of fizzy pop and eat pizza and talk about how Josh Hartnett is the cutest boy that ever existed. Why? Oh because I’m bleeding from my vagina in a way that you won’t have to worry about for another four years. Also, despite us being the same age my leg and armpit hair is more substantial than that of a gorilla so dressing up like princess Barbie. Sleepovers are not going to be a thing for me this year.’
Being the very last one
You’re nearly sixteen and quite frankly this noticeable absence of Auntie Flo is starting to get a little worrying. All the novelty of your friends’ first times have worn off and since you’ve been lying about having yours for years, you’ve got to join in with the bants. ‘Swimming? Not today Miss, it’s er, that time. Yep, yes that was also the case last week that’s how periods work right? Hey, you guys still get cramps? Me too. All the time.’
The no-nonsense lady who makes you use tampons for the first time
You’re staying away from home and your lovely mum with her supply of comforting maxi pads is miles away. FFS. The only female adult you can turn to is your Aunt Sarah who finds the fact you’ve never used tampons at age 14 hysterical. Apparently her mum just chucked a tampon at her and locked her in the bathroom until she figured it out. Which is exactly what she does to you. You figure it out but don’t use tampons for the next three years just to spite her.
The white trousers riddle
While this never actually happened to you, or any of your friends, it definitely happened to that girl from the school across town in the middle of maths class when she stood up to go to the bathroom to find her sassy white skirt was stained a fetching scarlet. The implications of this story affected your so profoundly that you actually missed out on that whole ‘white flared trousers with silver belly chain look’ the early noughties loved so much. Although in hindsight that might have been a good thing.
Buying your own equipment
OK, you only need a pack of maxi pads, a quick trip into your local shop and out, simple right? The only problem is that boy who’s a few years above you at school is totally on the till and like fuck are you letting him know this really embarrassing thing that actually happens to every single woman around the world is currently going on with you. In addition to the maxi pads, you also purchase cleaning products, a marrow and batteries. You’d never buy batteries. That way he’ll definitely think they’re for your mum. Not that you’re ever going to look him in the eye again.
Follow Jess on Twitter @jess_commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.