Not for the first time this week a video lands in the WhatsApp group: a woman, wearing red and white stockings, her knees pulled up by her ears. The camera, panning over her body, shows she’s not wearing any knickers. Two feet shuffle into frame. A golf ball is placed between them and putted into her oversized bum hole. Cut to Tiger Woods fist pumping on the 18th green at The Masters.
Is this a niche porn site for fans of BDSM and plus fours or what your partner, brother or friend watches on the way to work? Turns out it might just be the latter. Because this kind of stuff is routinely shared on (heterosexual) male WhatsApp groups, the wild west of social media. Yes, even more wild than Twitter.
Now, if you’d asked me a few days ago, before I started investigating what other men get up to, I wouldn’t have said that. The groups I’m in would all get a PG rating (no, really): dads organising play dates, childhood mates now spread across the country keeping in touch, the 6-a-side boys trying to scrape a team together. Yeah, there’s the odd bad taste joke and gross out meme, but when it comes to filth and out-of-line chat, I’m truly in the slow lane and glad to be there.
Judging by recent news stories, such as the conviction of cricketer Alex Hepburn for rape, certain men’s groups are grim places. After he was sentenced it was revealed Hepburn was part of a competition to sleep with as many women as possible, all played out on a WhatsApp group that, the judge said, regularly “demeaned women and trivialised rape”. There’s little doubt its toxic atmosphere fueled his disregard for women and, eventually, his willingness to commit rape.
This is an extreme case, but shows that, partly thanks to encryption, anything goes on the messaging service. It feels private – in a world that arguably revolves around social media, where so much is now public and (rightfully) more under the microscope, for some the lure of a private no-holds-barred chat is unsurprisingly… a bit of a comfort.
And you can trust the selected members of your group, right? Your future boss won’t be scrolling through every dodgy comment or video you’ve shared here, and with WhatsApp rumoured to be introducing a feature that prevents screenshots, secrets could soon be even more secure. This isn’t just the new locker room where risqué chat goes unchecked, it’s an intensified 21st century virtual version of it.
So what really goes on when a group of blokes effectively congregate in each other’s pockets all day? I asked a few men in their 30s and early 40s to let me have a peek into their group chats.
The first – a friend in the building trade, in his late 30s who we’ll call Bob – sent me the film described above. He said it was a good example of the kind of content that bounces around groups made up of men he works with on site to “keep idle minds entertained”. It’s not just the younger workers either, he says. “Actually,” he explains, “it’s the 60-year-olds too, and everyone in between.”
Before stereotypical assumptions about builders kick in, another friend – with a successful professional career in medicine – admits he’s in a group of old school buddies, most of whom are in relationships, that regularly shares “porn pick-me-ups” on a Friday to celebrate getting through the week.
Again, because I’m a pro, I ask to see an example. It’s pretty tame, little more graphic than page 3 of The Sun used to be. Even so, if you thought your partner – perhaps the father of your children – was innocently exchanging blokey chat about football you might be in for a shock.
More, from another friend: how would you feel if your husband regularly told his mates how much “clunge” he is surrounded by, like he’s just stumbled off the set of The Inbetweeners. Or described you as the “boss” or “ball and chain” and blamed you for not letting him out to play? These are examples recounted to me – all, sadly, quite predictable and stereotypical.
“There’s always someone moaning about their Mrs and not being allowed out,” Bob says. He adds, “but no one is deliberately disrespectful to women.” There is, he says, a performative element to it all. “I think most of us know it’s a play on stereotypes and would only talk that way in male company. Not when we’re having dinner with our wives.”
Another member of the group “Mr Clunge” inhabits says it’s relatively tame until he gets involved and not typical of their general conversations. “We just roll our eyes and carry on. He’s just always been like that,” he shrugs.
So why does no one call this behaviour out? Is it merely self-satire – one big in-joke, where women are the punchline? Do these men believe you just can’t teach an old dog new tricks? Or is there more to it?
It’s a “double-edged sword” says Dr Lee Hadlington, associate professor of cyberpsychology at De Montfort University. “In WhatsApp groups men may feel less embarrassed sharing emotions, for example – but also more emboldened to be shocking or controversial.”
As in real life the group dynamic guides the nature of the interactions. But unlike offline conversations, there are less civilising factors in the mix. Hadlington says: “The ethos and social norms of a WhatsApp group depend on what it is there for, it could be for sharing information or support or jokes… Some have a pub-like atmosphere but without the face-to-face interaction, and that can make people feel invulnerable.
“If you share a commonality with the rest of the group, it strengthens that group bond,” says Hadlington. Add in the age-old desire to fit in and, it seems, men will quickly sink to dickish behaviour and low-rent titillation if it helps get a laugh from the lads. Even if it’s outdated tropes, bad taste gags or gag-inducing videos.
It sounds… damning. And, it is, in 2019, objectively unacceptable, if unsurprising. But there are also upsides to these tight bonds that, ironically, break down the toxic masculinity that some appear to thrive on. Personally, I’ve witnessed friends opening up about struggles with anxiety and depression, or problems at work, on WhatsApp groups in a way they might not have done in the past and be greeted with a torrent of concern. Even in the most unforgiving groups.
One friend, Sam, recently admitted “feeling alone and down” on our men-only chat. “When I eventually reached out the group’s kind words really helped.” Was he reticent about putting himself out there in front of a bunch of blokes? “Yes definitely. Appearing not manly, sounding pathetic and moaning. I didn’t like the idea they might think I can’t cope or that you might treat me differently after I told you. But I was more than pleasantly surprised by the response. I was very touched.”
Moreover, from what I’m told and personal experience, the majority of WhatsApp group content tends to range from the mundane – a school dad’s group that’s a cross between a power tool appreciation society and a swap shop for timber off-cuts – to the weird: a group that, among other bits of dubious banter, shares pictures of what they’ve just deposited in the toilet to try and put each other off breakfast. Yes, everybody in that group is a respected professional.
So, if you ever absentmindedly dip into your significant other’s phone – or scroll through their camera roll – it pays to be prepared. Yeah, you might just catch a conversation about tile cutters, but you might also see a lot more than you bargained for.