‘I’m Back From Maternity Leave, But My Husband’s Lack Of Flexibility At Work Is Holding My Career Back’

In a world of in­spi­ra­tional memes and #girlboss In­sta­gram posts, it’s easy to for­get that we all get stuck at work, or feel like we can’t find a way for­ward at times. Sue Uner­man is the Chief Trans­for­ma­tion Of­fi­cer at Me­di­a­Com and Kathryn Ja­cob OBE is the Chief Ex­ec­u­tive at Pearl and Dean. To­gether they wrote The Glass Wall: Suc­cess Strate­gies For Women At Work And Busi­nesses That Mean Busi­ness. Their new book Belonging, The Key to Transforming and Maintaining Diversity, Inclusion and Equality At Work is out on now. Each week an­swer your work ques­tions with prag­matic, hon­est ad­vice that’s proven to work…

Q: “I’m just back from maternity leave, and my boss is being really flexible about my childcare needs. However my husband has absolutely no flexibility. So I feel like this is actually holding my career back, when his can develop. What can you advise?”

SU: This is a real issue. And just a few weeks after 18th November, which is the last day in the year when men and women are paid equally your point is very well made. A new report by the APD Research Institute has found that more than a third of British women do not believe there is pay equality in their organisation, with more than half of UK employees reporting that “my company states there is pay equality, but I haven’t seen it”. More concretely, only 68% of women in the UK received a pay rise or bonus for taking on new roles and extra responsibilities, compared to 76% of men. The unequal responsibility share of new parents is clearly one powerful contributor to this situation. And you’re not the only one to raise this, for our book we spoke to one woman who said: “If there’s a childcare issue, my boss has said of course we would help. But my husband says that if he was to suggest that he went home early, or even refused an evening drink with clients to accommodate my professional life, his boss would assume he was effectively saying he had no ambition at all.” It’s a tough situation to resolve.

KJ: I think this is one of those situations where framing can really help. I know of someone whose partner uses the excuse that his wife has a business trip or work commitment to schedule time when he can be available for childcare. Therefore, it is not a surprise. His wife knows when he will be able to take up his share of parenting and his boss can hardly expect him to leave the children at home on their own when he suggests a spontaneous drink. Putting things in the diary in advance and saying that you are unavailable then is fine, and no boss should ask you to attend events when you have made your situation clear. Another tactic I know of is the woman who swapped her mobile phone number as the emergency contact for the school with her husband’s. If he gets a call from the school the urgency is more immediate to him and his boss. My husband and I have both worked throughout our children’s upbringing and you have to talk through what you will both do to bring some equity into the situation. If he works for a boss who is that inflexible, and if promotion is entirely reliant on going for drinks and neglecting your work life blend, is this really a company where you AS a family are supported and can thrive. Our jobs are just part of our lives and any manager with any empathy should be aware of that.

SU: It does sound like a very 20th century attitude. And it is neither the best way for any business to encourage diversity at senior levels (and we know from Mckinsey that the best companies with diversity at senior levels deliver 35% better returns) nor is it a great way to live your life. When I was a child, I didn’t see my dad from Monday to Friday because he was at work after my bedtime. But these days its recognized that dads are really missing out and that it is better for the whole family for them to be around. And that it better for the whole family if mum can have the career she wants as well as be a mum. It is crucial as Kathryn has said for you to have a strategy and to negotiate terms with the business where your partner works. Kathryn herself has spent years when her kids were younger and as a mum of young children being asked how on earth she can combine that with her job as a CEO. Her husband who is clearly also the parent has never been asked that question. Cultural heritage attitudes can take a long time to catch up with modern realities. However don’t let resentment build up and do remember two things. Talent is always in demand, so if you are good at what you do you must own that, and look after yourself. And in addition, as I know well from the world of brands and advertising, scarcity is often something that creates a premium and heightens appreciation and desirability. Think of the excitement of the Cadbury Crème Eggs shopping window. Or an exclusive sneaker drop. So sometimes saying that you (or your husband saying that he) is not available, will actually lead your bosses to value your contribution when it is available even more.

KJ: The key thing is to not feel any burden of expectation about either of you as a parent or as a colleague. There is no golden path for either parenting or in your career. And you need to be mindful that you are in a long term situation and adapt accordingly. Also remember that your children will only be at a high level of dependency for a relatively short period of time, and that you will have more opportunities and flexibility sooner than you can imagine. Good luck and make sure you look after yourself, first. Because the success of the family unit and your team at work depend on this.