What Can My Husband And I Do To Keep The Love Alive Now We’ve Had A Baby?

There are tests for everything from GCSE maths and A-level General Studies to driving and chlamydia and, yet, there’s no regulatory body questioning a union that signs off with ‘til death do us part’. Jim Carey recently Tweeted: “Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, I love you so much I’m gonna get the government involved so you can’t leave.” Throw a colicky baby into the mix and it’s no wonder our common interests boil down to toilet roll and nipple teats.

Mother Pukka Asks: Should We Raise Our Kids Like The Swedish?

I’m 12 years into a relationship with a man I don’t want to be parted from – through death or even a sordid Tinder affair – but I do wonder if there should have been some assessment before we drove off without a map. So please know you are not alone. Relationship psychologist John Gottman has found that 67% of couples go through a slump in relationship satisfaction in the first three years of a baby’s life. That sounds about right as many of us grappled with mewling newborns and risk-hungry toddlers in lockdown. “Though many couples are over the moon about their new bundle of joy, they also struggle with work-life balance, more loneliness, financial stress, more chores, minimal free time and friendship changes,” he adds.

Harry Benson, father of six and the director of the Bristol Community Family Trust, a charity that runs a course for new parents called Let’s Stick Together says: “Are you doing any of these things: scoring points, returning a perceived criticism or niggle with your own criticism; thinking the worst, assuming an underlying negative in his action; opting out, disengaging from a discussion or argument or putting him down?”

Flexible Working Expert Mother Pukka's Tips For Continuing A Better Work/Life Balance

Yes I am and I’m sure you’re guilty, too. It comes with the exhausted, possibly postnatally-depressd territory. Who hasn’t said: “Yeah but you never [insert thing other person never does]” in the face of criticism? It’s an easy volley back into their court. There are, however, times when my husband’s demeanor of a teenager being rapped on the knuckles for nicking some fags doesn’t help. He sometimes makes me feel like his mother when we talk about feelings and that’s never a solid foundation for amour.

Benson makes a good point about us overcomplicating things. He says as we battle increased stress levels and torn stitches, we start to flail. “The utter exhaustion of new parenthood means that we don't always react to one another as best friends should,” he says. “Bad habits can develop and become entrenched over time and start to undermine even the best of relationships.”

That ‘ffffkkkksssake’ over a badly-stacked dishwasher hurts because it acts as a reminder that they’re thinking the worst when they used to think the best of you. It’s a small hint that you’re not on each other’s side anymore and you need to acknowledge that.

Benson assures that, “Little changes make a big difference. Treat humans well and they will treat you well in return. Mistreat them and they will mistreat you. It only takes one person to start the process.” The question is who is going to be the bigger person?

Anna Whitehouse and Matt Farquharson are co-authors of Sunday Times bestseller Where’s My Happy Ending? It’s currently available on Amazon and in all leading bookshops.