While there are certain things that seem eerily familiar about everyone’s lockdowns to date (awkward Zoom calls with extended family members you normally only see at Christmas, banana bread and our collective obsession with Joe Wicks are right up there), our personal experiences are incredibly singular. What's one person’s lonely isolation is unexpected and necessary time to breathe for someone else. And while some people juggling young children and work will relish the extra time spent together as a family, others will feel exhausted, overwhelmed and claustrophobic. But while we’ve spoken a lot about how women are coping in lockdown (and for good reason, with some studies showing that women have been hit particularly hard by the changes forced upon us by the pandemic) male mental health has been largely ignored
New research by Movember has found that 47% of British fathers admit to struggling with lack of social interaction amidst the COVID-19 pandemic. This week the sad news of the death of producer and writer Steve Bing, coupled with warnings from a leading GP that the NHS is facing a surge in Britons suffering anxiety, depression and PTSD in the next few months makes it clear that we risk sleepwalking into a new male mental health crisis if we're not careful.
Broadcaster and Movember ambassador Marvin Humes has certainly found that he’s had to adjust to a new normal with his wifeRochelle Humes, and their two daughters. ‘I feel so lucky to have had the last few months with my family and spend quality time with the girls and have shifted my outlook to see it as time that’s been gifted to us to spend together at home. It’s obviously been a struggle not having one to one time with my mates and not being able to see my wider family.
‘Trying to navigate family life and work commitments during lockdown at times has been challenging. However, we’ve both tried to stay positive and embrace the new normal, I guess, for ourselves but also the girls.’
It’s a cliche that women are better at keeping in touch with their friends than men, but without some of the regular touch points of social interaction in their life, such as work, the gym, sport or the pub, some men simply aren’t seeing anyone outside of their household bubble. The Movember research found that 22% of dads living with dependant children under 18 haven’t contacted their mates during the pandemic, but admit they would have benefited from talking to them if they’d done so.
This has certainly been Simon’s* experience. The 42-year-old lawyer went from working long hours with lots of travel to taking it turns with his wife, also a lawyer, to work in the spare room in between childcare. ‘It’s been really intense and claustrophobic, but my wife just seems to be coping so much better than I am. She’s been really practical and approached it with schedules and plans for the kids and loads of energy, and I just feel exhausted all the time.
‘I didn’t want to admit to her that I was finding it hard, because who wants to admit that being around their children all the time is doing their head in? She knew something was wrong, and got one of my old uni friends to set up a Zoom call for a few of us. Having a few beers and chatting about mundane stuff one evening at the kitchen table may not sound like the most exciting night ever, but it just felt like I had a bit of my old life back.’
Clinical psychologist Linda Blair thinks part of the issue is that when men normally connect with each other, it's often to 'do' rather than talk. 'At the moment, men are having to be emotional 24/7, their family life is emotional, and they're not getting a break from that. Men often seek companionship to do things together, and they're deprived of that time.'
Marvin agrees that he can definitely see how some men will have gone for months now without having a chance to catch up with their friends. ‘There have been no normal opportunities and I think men are less likely to just pick up the phone for a catch up, unless it’s work related or they’re organising something, which obviously hasn’t been possible, but mental health is a silent killer and it’s something that is so hard to pick up on, especially in the past few months where we’ve only been able to interact over the phone.'
‘Alongside things like job loss and retirement, fatherhood is a real pressure point in a man’s life,’ adds Dr Zac Seidler, Clinical Psychologist and Director of Mental Health Training at Movember. ‘There’s suddenly additional financial pressure, exercise can take a back seat, you can’t see your friends as much – on top of looking after young children. Men don’t talk about these struggles as openly as women, and that needs to change.’
It’s Father’s Day this weekend, which may serve as a stark reminder to check in with the men in your life. We’re in a uniquely challenging time for everyone, but that challenge is compounded for those who feel the most isolated. When suicide remains the most common cause of death for men aged 20-49 in the UK, we can’t put male mental health on the back burner.
*Names have been changed