It’s been a feature of the past year that just when you think things can’t get any worse, they do. Another lockdown is sprung on us. You have to cancel yet another visit to your family. Christmas isn’t happening. Death rates soar. And oh look, the virus has mutated yet again.
I went through the first lockdown with my partner of five years, and although for the most part we got on well, falling into a gentle rhythm of takeaways and jigsaws, being together 24/7 also exposed some cracks in our relationship. Over the summer we became another 2020 breakup statistic, and he moved out in the autumn.
Back then things seemed quite hopeful - it’s hard to imagine that now, a time when you could actually eat in a restaurant or a see a film in the cinema. Although I worried I might get lonely sometimes, I didn't imagine there were more stringent lockdowns around the corner. Now it's January, the most depressing time of the year anyway, and I'm facing months of being locked down alone, with only limited outside walks with other people. And it’s absolutely freezing. I've had to think very hard about how to cope with this and not go off the rails.
The biggest thing I’ve learned during this time is how to take care of myself, and what I need to be alright. I do all the things you’re supposed to - daily meditation, going outside no matter what the weather, exercise, eating proper meals, getting enough sleep if I can (lockdown insomnia is definitely a thing), and so on. I don’t usually drink when I’m by myself, so I’ve mostly cut that out, as opposed to the last lockdown when a nightly glug seemed the only way to end a day at home.
Of course, I have some bad habits I haven’t managed to shift yet – watching the news and sinking into despair, spending way too much time on my phone, guzzling sugar – but I’m aware of these at least. Obsessive baking has been left behind in First Lockdown, as people seem to be calling it. I've also taken up some soothing non-screen hobbies, like knitting (very badly), jigsaws, and Lego. I even got back into cryptic crosswords, which I really enjoy but hadn't done for years. That’s been a great outcome of the year for me, as well as beginning to keep a journal again. And I keep telling myself I’m going to start having ‘reading time’ every day, where I don't put the TV or radio on at the same time. That habit is still to bed in.
I also make sure to keep my house as nice as possible, and have started getting flowers every week in the farmers’ market, which is miraculously still open. Even if it’s only me seeing them, it does cheer me up. I’m also getting through an absolute fortune in candles, so I actually made some of my own, which was fun. I cook nice dinners just for me, including a roast on a Sunday. Above all, I have discovered the joys of pottering, attending to small tasks, tidying, cleaning, and so on. I finally understand my dad better, a champion potterer who’s been retired since his mid-fifties.
Most of all, I've had to tune into my feelings and recognise when I'm getting lonely and ask someone for a walk or a chat. ‘Talking with voices’, I call it, which feels a bit dystopian, but sometimes you need to hear someone instead of just texting. I’m lucky to have a lovely park near where I live in South London, so I do a lot of walking there, and I even bought a bike. Meeting someone outdoors two or three times a week seems to be enough to stave off loneliness, but I have to keep an eye on it.
I've even found some upsides to the lockdown, such as getting closer to friends because we text every day, even though I've barely seen them all year. I’m definitely more honest with people about how I’m feeling, and this allows them to be more honest back. I’ve also been able to get on with some work projects that were always simmering on the very back burner, and finish them off. Not drinking and rushing out on the town all the time has been peaceful (though I will go out as soon as I'm allowed of course!)
Above all it has been great for me to learn I can be alone for long periods of time and still cope. This was always a big worry of mine, that might have kept me in relationships longer than I needed to or sent me into panicked dating in the past. However, despite occasional loneliness and regular boredom, I’m actually fine. I think this knowledge will stand me in great stead for the future when hopefully it will be a choice to stay in, and not the law...
The Man I Can’t Forget by Eva Woods published by Sphere is out on the 4th February £8.99