According to a study; students have really cleaned their acts up. A third of them now claim to be teetotal and 40% claim to only drink once a week. Now we're not trying to say that everyone who goes to uni treats it as a three year jolly; there are plenty of people out there who work uber hard and really make the most of the wildly overpriced tuition they're paying for. But to us, this study does smack a little bit of the time you went to the doctor's in first year and wrote down that you only drink 5 units a week; ie. a Big Old Lie. Here's other fibs we told ourselves during our uni years.
'I probably have a condition that makes getting up on time impossible'
In all fairness; compared to the structured, regimented world of A Levels and high school, getting used to the erratic scheduling that uni tries to pull on you isn’t exactly the easiest thing to jump on board with. But fast forward three years to your fourth early shift in a row at work and you’ll be begging for the days when you thought a 10AM-er was troubling.
'That damp on the wall of my shitty flat is definitely not worth dealing with'
Who cares if you’ve got to sleep with the windows open? That patch of mold on your bedroom wall has grown large enough to qualify as a bonafide talking point amongst the house and your wider friendship circle. What are you without that damp patch? Just a girl with normal bedroom walls? Boring.
'The herbs in mini chicken kievs make them healthy'
Nothing bought from Iceland is healthy, you know that deep down. Accept that in cooking mini chicken kievs you’ve failed at life and turn it into a triumph by going full Epic Mealtime by piling a few in between two pieces of (white n’ plastic) bread and creating what we like to call the Ukrainian Sub. See also: 'chips are the healthy option at the kebab shop'.
'I'll get so much more done if I go to the library'
You won’t and you know it. Between long walks to the printer; the sudden urge to take a cigarette break despite famously being a social smoker (read: thieving bastard) and catching up with friends over in the anthropology section it's almost no time at all before the obligatory group exodus to the pub to talk about how long you’ve been in the library. A viscious circle.
'My flatmate’s definitely stable'
Maybe some people just struggle a bit moving away from home. We all spent the odd night in halls listening to Elton John albums and wishing a hug from mum wasn’t 3 hours away up the M1. But finding him hiding in your room wearing a bra on his head and a bottle of Jack Daniels in hand means he’s probably only one episode of Dexter away from pouring bleach in your hummus.
'I'll calm down in second year'
This one floored even the most well-intentioned of students. Turns out one year of acting like a lunatic just isn't enough. This doesn't bode well once you find out second year isn’t actually as hard as you were led to believe. Long live second year, we’ll settle down next year.
'Tuesday is a perfectly accemptable night for a party'
Also, your neighbours probably won’t mind. Except they’ve got jobs, and for some reason don’t seem to happy you’ve got DJ decks in the garden at 4AM. Squares. Oops, here come the police.
Wednesday at the Student Union is SO LAME
And yet here we are again fellas. What gives?
Follow Jess on Twitter @jess_commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.