Life Lessons We Learnt From Footballers’ Wives

Remember when Tanya shagged her husband to death? Quite literally


by Jess Commons |
Published on

GUYS. I don’t want to alarm anyone, but it’s been a fair few years since anyone mentioned the most seminal television show of our youth, Footballers' Wives. Filled with bitching, murdering, drug-using and tacky, tacky diamante shoes, it went a long way to shaping us into the fine women we are today and probably did a fair old job of setting the feminist movement back by 10 years. Seeing as it's The World Cup, we thought we'd take a look back at it and the life lessons we picked up from Tanya and co.

Sex is totally just a thing to be used as a weapon

As the original bitch of Earls Park FC, Tanya's sex life caused more trouble for the Premier League than overinflated salaries and David Beckham's alice band. Poor old Conrad (the budget bisexual Becks rip-off) ended up with a 'T' carved firmly into his arse cheek from a long French manicured fingernail (much to the chagrin of his wife, Amber). But that’s nothing compared to fat Frank the club owner, who was visciously 'shagged to death' by Tanya with a little help from Viagra, alcohol and cocaine. Also, if you've ever thought of dipping into the acting profession, we can totally save you a buck or two on lessons. Just watch the below clip to see Zoe Lucker giving a spectacular turn as 'woman shaking with rage and agression'. Give that woman an Oscar.

Noughties fashion was worse than the eighties

Halter tops, viscose dresses and diamantes, you could spot the women from Footballers Wives nigh on 100 paces off down a dark alleyway. These ladies had the sort of glamour and elegance that Bay Trading could only dream of. Their designer clothes were so cheap they were literally flammable,as poor topless model Chardonnay found out the hard way when her boobs got too close to an open flame. And the make-up? Oh God, the make-up. Pink frosted lips, sticky as you like from lashings of lip gloss, and silver eyeshadow pinched straight from the set of Labyrinth. The very worst part is that it's all very well judging the Footballers' Wives now with hindsight, but just you take a look back at pictures of yourself from the mid-noughties. There’s a very good chance you looked like a low-budget (yep, that’s possible) version of Tanya and friends. Thank God Facebook wasn't a thing yet.

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Kidnapping is a legit way of sorting out your problems

Poor old Donna. You'll remember Donna as the Coleen Rooney character, aka the one who married her childhood sweetheart and wasn't very good at fitting in with the designer-handbag lifestyle of the other WAGS. Anyways, she had a total nightmare when when her eight-year-old daughter, Holly, was kidnapped. Holly turned up five months later, though, thanks to a lead from a postman. It's Amber's kidnapping in season 3 that really takes the biscuit, though, mainly as she kidnaps herself after a viscious catfight with Tanya over the fact that Tanya's been bonking him. A reasonable reaction. She even charged a ransom, which probably came in handy after Conrad later gets shot in a case of mistaken identity.

Babies cause way too much unnecessary drama

They loved a good baby story on Footballers' Wives. First up, there was poor old Chardonnay who tried to bring up her husband Kyle’s mum’s baby as her own. The poor lamb didn’t cope well with this and subsequently died of anorexia in a move we've always suspected was something to do with actress Susie Amy's sights being set on something more 'highbrow' than Footballers' Wives (judging from her IMDB page, she's still looking). More batshit, though, was the time that Amber had Conrad’s baby at the same time that Tanya had Conrad’s baby. EXCEPT. Tanya’s baby wasn’t Conrad’s, it was Frank’s, so she switched them at birth with the help of some fake tan (really). Turns out it didn’t matter anyways, since Tanya’s kid ended up getting smothered to death. BY A DOG.

There ain't no wedding like a Footballers' Wives wedding

Oof, be still our beating hearts. Think David and Victoria’s thrones were bad? Still troubled by Cheryl and Ashley’s pre-wedding National Lottery pictures? You ain’t seen nothing yet sister. Cast your mind back if you will to the nuptials of Kyle Pascoe and Chardonnay Lane, in which Kyle showed up on a horse to find his bride asleep on a gold-leaf chaise lounge in a pink monstrosity of a dress that Katie Price circa 2002 would have turned her nose up at. He kisses her, wakes her up and carries her off in his arms to find the priest. Then there’s doves, The Snowman theme tune and kids dressed as Robin Hood’s merry men. If you managed stay faithful until season five, you might also remember Liberty and Tremaine’s Egyptian-themed wedding. Yep, that’s right. Egyptian themed.

Follow Jess on Twitter @jess_commons

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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