1. Clueless
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Gorgeous, ditzy blonde Cher goes for all the wrong men – there’s Elton the egomaniac and then Christian, the handsome, Tony Curtis loving friend of Dorothy’s. Near the end of the film, Cher has a life makeover to become a better person and she finds the man of her dreams is, in fact, her geeky ex-stepbrother Josh. They snog on the stairs.
Lessons learned: Go on, you big prude! Snog your stepbrother! Loosen up! I can’t see any other options, can you? ‘You think I’m beautiful?’ said through a Bambi gaze is a foolproof, if not slightly heavy-handed tactic, to get a snog.
2. Cruel Intentions
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Virginal, goofy Cecile has never kissed a boy so minxy Kathryn teaches her the basics. They start slow, with a light touching of lips, then Kathryn goes full-throttle: ‘I’m going to stick my tongue in your mouth and when I do that I want you to masaaaaaage my tongue with yours,’ she demands.
Lessons learned: A good friend is a friend who will let you practise snogging with her in broad daylight in a park. Tongues should occasionally be let off the leash when kissing, running wild for a few laps. A string of spit is not something to be afraid of and can, in fact, add a nice lingering moment to the snog. An epilogue, if you will.
3. Never Been Kissed
Josie is a journalist in her twenties and appears to have it all apart from one thing – she’s never been kissed. She goes back to high school as an undercover reporter to write about what it’s like to be a student again. She falls in love with a teacher. She puts a plea in the paper asking him to give her her first kiss on a baseball pitch before a big match. He does. Magical Beach Boys song plays.
Lessons learned: If you are in need of a snog, pretend to be a student and go back to school to find it there. Actually – don’t do that. This film was made pre-Operation Yewtree. The only Beach Boys track that can ever be affecting is the original NOT SOME EXTREMELY HORRID VERSION WITH A BUNCH OF DESPERATE POP STARS ALL LABOURING OVER THEIR ONE LINE EACH IN AN ATTEMPT TO OUT-DO EACH OTHER, UNDER THE GUISE OF A CHARITY SINGLE. Ahem. Right, number four.
**4. 10 Things I Hate About You **
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A modern take on The Taming of The Shrew, this film sees a knee-cap meltingly charming Heath Legder play Patrick who attempts to seduce ice queen Kat. After many botched attempts, he finally kisses her in a very sweet scene of paintballing and horseplay. They throw themselves onto a hay stack, covered in paint and have what looks like a very fun snog.
Lessons learned: Sod roses and slow dances. Sometimes the most romantic way to snog is carefree and boisterous, to a kick-ass song with loads of electric guitar. The American Alternative rock band Semisonic make quite good music and it’s a shame their songs seems only to be limited to the platform of romantic comedies (brief Wikipedia skim). Let’s all download Semisonic album today.
5. Pretty in Pink
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Nerdy girl catches the eye of debonair high school heart-throb. After their date, he drives her home in his car, leaves his lights on to provide sufficient dramatic backlighting then they stand in front of it and he asks her to prom. She replies with their first kiss.
Lessons learned: The seductive power of a party invite . The seductive power of a car ride home to avoid public transport . The seductive power of a back comb . The seductive power of a passionate claw hand on a face during kissing.
** 6. Grease**
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Danny and Sandy fell in love on holiday, but since they accidentally ended up at the same high school, his roguish reputation doesn’t fit with her squeaky clean image. He tries to break her prudishness at a night at the movies, where he pounces on her with a disastrous snog. He is left, as we all remember, ‘stranded at the drive in’.
Lessons learned: A boob squeeze is not the natural segue into a snog . Ultimately, the way to get the guy is to completely change your personality and put on a slaggy outfit. Wait, what? Oh.
** 7. Mean Girls**
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Nice girl Cady goes to a new school where she gets in with the wrong crowd and accidentally becomes a mean girl. By the time it gets to the Spring Fling, she has come full circle and learned that the superficial trappings of popularity do not matter and she altruistically breaks apart her prom queen crown to share with the school. Cute Aaron is impressed. They snog as they slow dance. Lots of funny catch phrases that eventually become memes that generation Y will remain OBSESSED with as grown adults.
Lessons learned: Nice girls are nicer to snog than mean girls.
8. Bring it On
Cheerleading captain Torrance is having an absolute nightmare – turns out, all her team’s prize-winning routines are stolen from another cheerleading team so she has to choreograph a brand new canon of work. Through the ups and downs, she is supported by Unbearably Handsome Cliff. She shows her gratitude to him at the end of the film when, with the convivial backdrop of a cheerleading competition, she goes in for a snog.
Lessons learned: Sometimes you have to just do a big, toothy grin, take the plunge, grab a man by the scruff of his neck and pull him in for some seriously committed necking (NB The Debrief accepts no responsibility if this goes wrong). God, that actor who plays bookish Cliff, who plays guitar and loves The Clash is totally gorgeous, isn’t he? I think I am in love. Why was he not in other films? Is he single? Is this a lesson learned? I don’t know. Probably more of a personal ad. Jesse Bradford – get in touch.
9. Get Over It
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It’s another teen film loosely based on a Shakespeare plot but this time it’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Berke is so obsessed with getting back his ex-girlfriend Alison he cannot see the right girl for him is right in front of him: his best friend’s younger sister, Kelly. Eventually they kiss on a bench and as their lips touch, the surroundings morph into the enchanted forest of A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
Lessons learned: It doesn’t have to all be boob gropes and massaged tongues. Slow and tentative works, too. Don’t snog your big brother’s best mate unless all parties are aware that someone might get punched.
10. Dirty Dancing
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Inexperienced Baby is on holiday in The Catskills with her family when she falls in love with Johnny (played by incredibly sexy ESSENCE OF MAN Patrick Swayze), the hotel resort’s resident dancer. After their friendship gets off to a shaky start, he becomes her personal dirty dancing tutor. Late one night, she goes to Johnny’s cabin in her peasant top to confess her attraction to him. They dance. They take their clothes off. They kiss. It’s actually really, really hot.
Lessons learned: Topless works magic when you have the shoulders of a young Patrick Swayze. Solomon Burke is TOP DRAWER smooching music. In fact, as far as smooching music goes, probably the best it ever gets. A slow dance is a good segue into a snog which is, evidently, a good segue into a shag.
11. She’s All That
It’s a tale of geek meets heartbreaker again with another woolly adaptation to throw one’s knickers at – Pygmalion, apparently. So Zac is the high school heartthrob and he’s just been dumped. He boasts that he can turn any girl into a prom queen in six weeks and makes a bet with his friends. He chooses unpopular art student Laney. She has a rather obvious makeover, he takes her to a bad party, he develops real feelings for her, they kiss.
Lessons learned: To get the guy, put on a clingy, short red dress, change your personality, OH FOR GOD’S SAKE ARE WE REALLY BACK HERE AGAIN.
READ MORE: Terrible First Kisses You’ve Absolutely Experienced
** 12. The Girl Next Door**
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Academic schoolboy Matthew falls in love with neighbour Danielle who he doesn’t know is a porn star. They get to know each other in an unlikely friendship. They go to a party, some boys try to keep Matthew away from Danielle. Matthew plucks up the courage to walk up to her and go in for a kiss. Feels like the world stops. David Gray plays.
Lessons learned : Sometimes, it’s worth dropping your drink for a snog. Sometimes, it’s nice for a conversation to be interrupted for a snog. Often, teen movies will employ the filming technique of going round two people having their first kiss on a sort of circular track, bringing a romantic poignancy to the kiss, as if the act brings them to the centre of the world, making all else redundant. It’s nice but it can give the viewer motion sickness.
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Ask An Adult: Can You Teach A Bad Kisser Without Hurting His Feelings
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.