At drinks with a friend recently, I asked for a post sex debrief on a guy who she'd finally locked it down with after flirting with on a dating app for weeks. 'How was it?' I asked her. 'Weird' she said. 'He kind of... hit me?'
I was shocked, but other single friends who are also navigating the world of dating and casual sex, nodded knowingly. 'It's a thing' one of them said. 'They think women like being spanked or slapped during sex.'
The assertion that it's 'a thing' is supported by PornHub data, which found that since 2015 some of the fastest growing search terms are 'rough sex', 'hardcore' and 'bondage'.
Sexpert Tracey Cox has said that attempting to get kinky too early on in a sexual relationship is one of the biggest sex mistakes that you can make. She writes: 'Introducing some pretty "out there" sex moves really early on freaks most people out. Once you stray off the conventional path, you’re moving into unknown territory.'
In some ways, Cox is right. Pulling out heavy-duty kinky behaviour early on in a relationship is a mistake. But it's also much more than that. It's assault. And it's happening to women increasingly often.
Once upon a time, kinky sex belonged to a very specific niche community of BDSM fans. But, with the advent of online porn, the popularity of kinky sex and a general culture of sexual freedom, niche sex acts have becomes increasingly mainstream. You can buy collar-style chokers in Topshop, and 'choke me Daddy' is a meme.
There's a positive aspect to the mainstream nature of kinky sex. Being experimental is great fun and bringing aspects of BDSM into the bedroom can reignite a flagging sex life – but it also comes with a dark side.
Anecdotally, I increasingly hear friends say that the men they go home with after a night out or a Hinge date, consider things like face-slapping, spanking and choking to be a normal part of sex - an expression of passionate enthusiasm. But, and it's astonishing that this needs to be said, if you slap or choke someone who hasn't asked you to do so, that's assault.
The idea that you're having sex with this person doesn't make it any less of an assault, in fact it might well make it feel even more violating.
Some people like to include controlled violence in their sex lives and that is fine. But it's not a standard desire, it's an unusual one. To assume that a woman wants to be hit during sex is to sleepwalk into causing her pain, distress and potential injury.
In the BDSM community, where these things began, there is a respect bordering on reverence for consent and for education. You discuss your preferences before you have sex, you set hard and soft limits. You discuss all the potential activities that you might undertake before you get anywhere close to doing them. Consent must be absolute and affirmative, never assumed.
On top of consent, you also need a certain amount of training to be able to safely bring BDSM into your esx life. In the BDSM community there are workshops, books, seminars and forums to discuss best practice and safe sex (known as SSC – safe, sane and consensual).
When kink went mainstream, these types of responsible preparation didn't make the leap. It might not sound sexy to think of yourself needing to read up and rehearse before you try bondage, but you do. If you tie someone up incorrectly you could give them nerve damage. If you attempt choking without knowing what you're doing you could cause brain damage or even death.
There is nothing to feel ashamed of if you want to experiment with kinky sex, either as the giver or as the receiver. But however mainstream it might seem, and even if it sounds like all women love having their hair pulled during sex, unless you've previously discussed it and consented to it, it's assault.
Consent to sex is consent to sex - not hairpulling, face slapping, spanking or choking. By all means ask, if you want to do those things, but it's never okay to assume.
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