Guys, don’t get too excited, but apparently it’s totally going to snow this weekend. According the Met Office, temperatures are set to plunge below freezing in parts of London and the South East overnight, while in Scotland, Wales and the North, 'prolonged periods of snowfall' are expected.
And while this is like, the most exciting news ever, we are loathe to let our wintry hair completely down and dive into full on snow frenzy with wild abandon due to the inevitable re-appearance of the people we're dubbing... the Snow Dicks.
Here’s a selection of the wintry wankers you’re almost definitely going to come across when the temperatures drop.
The Commuter Cock
We're all aware as a nation that the UK can’t deal with snow. Despite all the warning signs that snow might be on the way (it’s cold and the weather forecast said so) Britain’s transport system grinds to a halt the second the first flake falls from the sky. Yes it's annoying, and several minutes of customary grumbling per person is totally permitted but there's always those people that for whatever reason feel like the snow and Network Rail have colluded to personally ruin their day. Luckily though, their solution of yelling at poor, freezing cold members of staff who’ve been standing on the platform since 5AM is foolproof and helps everyone get through this difficult time.
The Snowball Lad
Abusing complete strangers in the street is normally a prosecutable offense, but, as long as snow’s involved, it’s a jovial hijink. Lads eh, what are they like? It's not their fault though; at the first flake of snow, all normally upstanding gentlemen visibly regress back to adolescence and start acting like total and utter bellends. See: sledging down a slope littered with children, freezing snowballs until they assume rock-like form, and/or missing important engagements to spend the afternoon creating a nine foot snow penis in the park. Legends, the lot of them.
The Bothersome Instagrammer
There's an Instagrammer to hate on every season but the snow-stragrammer is almost definitely the worst. From the misshapen snow angels they've clearly spent hours perfecting, to the red tartan of their scarf offset by the white of a fresh snowfall, to smiling faces with red noses crowded together over a steaming mug of hot chocolate... Snow almost definitely brings out the worst in people on social media. Big fans of those people that try to snap a picture of flakes mid-fall though. Not going to work, but thanks for the effort.
The Shirker
This person was already the most unreliable dick you know, whether it's your workmate that 'has tonsilitis' about seventeen times a year and has run out of grandparents to kill off in order to get a day off or your friend who you haven't seen in six weeks because 'she's got no money', this person thrives in a snowy environment. FINALLY a legitimate reason to not travel across town, go to work, head out with friends or any of those other activities that most people call 'normal life' but for some reason seem all too much for them.
The Overreactor
Really, if we're being honest, snow in this country is very rarely a big deal. It's not like we live in America and could potentially wake up to a fresh six foot layer of the stuff. Nah. The most snow you're going to get in a city is an inch and a half of slush and a bit of a wet foot if you wear inappropriate clothing. Some people like to prepare for the worst though; you'll see them on the train platform in welly boots, snow pants and a ski jacket. They're the ones buying bottled water by the gallon in Sainsburys (snow's literally MADE of water guys) and frantically retweeting scaremongering tweets from the Daily Express about 'STORM OF THE CENTURY'. It's like sure, a full on blizzard would be kind of fun but really, we're just not that lucky.
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