Welcome to #TweenTalks, a weekly franchise by Grazia’s parenting community, The Juggle (@TheJuggleUK on Instagram) where we speak to experts about tackling touchy subject with your tween-age kids. From sex and porn to social media and plastic surgery, we’ve got you covered…
When we talk about who watches porn, we often focus on men. This means that when we think about talking to young people about porn, we’re largely thinking about boys, but that needs to change.
For years, the statistics on women’s porn use have been growing. Pornhub for example claims that women now account for over a third of its users worldwide. Despite this we still haven’t come to grips with what that means for young women and girls and our conversations with them.
A study from 2019 on over 2,000 young people aged 11-15 and their parents, found not only that parents were overwhelmingly out of step with whether their kids had seen porn, but that it was particularly the case when it came to girls. While a third of parents thought their sons would have seen porn (over two thirds of the boys had) only 17 per cent thought the same thing of their daughters - and yet, over half of the girls said they’d seen it. That’s not just a different ballpark, it’s an entirely different game.
It's hard to talk to our daughters about porn, particularly when we rarely talk about it with each other. It’s still an elephant in the room for many of us in our conversations with partners, friends, and even ourselves. But with 13 now the average age of first exposure in England for both girls and boys it’s something we need to address. I don’t have a silver bullet for how we do that, but after talking to 100 women about their experiences of porn, here are some tips I’ve picked up along the way.
How to talk to your daughters about porn
Like a lot of tough conversations, it can be easier to talk when that’s not the only thing going on. Walking the dog or driving somewhere can be opportunities to test the waters.
Think of it like a garden, you need to sow the seeds. It won’t be a one-off talk, it needs to build, but if done slowly it won’t be awkward.
You can talk to your daughter in an age-appropriate way about something broad like gender inequality. Sometimes women are treated differently than men. Has she noticed that? Why does she think that is? Start with experiences you’ve had yourself, or what you remember from her age. Ask about what’s the same for her and what she thinks is different. From there you have a platform to talk about what’s online, and that can be the bridge to a talk about porn.
Be slow but be brave. Don’t be afraid to name it. The words can be a benchmark to help you know how much she knows. They also help to bring that elephant firmly into the room and send a message for now or later that it’s something that can be discussed, without judgement. Ultimately, come to these chats curious rather than tentative. Leave space and leave the door open. Remember, you don’t need to have all the answers. You just need to be the place she comes to with the questions that she has.