The Last Time I Had Sex: The Woman Who Loves Vanilla Sex

Writer Lisa Williams, 37, co-hosts the Hotbed Collective podcast and lives in London

The last time I had sex brought to mind the moment in Friends when Rachel, in response to being quizzed about the most adventurous place where she’s had sex, answers sheepishly, ‘The foot of the bed.’ I didn’t dress up as a sexy nurse, I didn’t attempt any athletic positions, I may have even kept my socks on – and it was great.

I make no excuses for having vanilla sex. I have two children under five, a busy job and a long to-do list. I like sex to be mutually satisfying, loving and quick. I want it after brushing my teeth and before I go to sleep. I’ve been with my partner for 12 years. When we got together, we were happy with lazy morning shags and drunken fumbles, but I remember saying to him, probably in a bid to get him to propose, that our sex would become more adventurous after we married.

In truth, I was a little prudish and was putting the fancy stuff off. But what actually happened was I got pregnant straight away, then morning sickness and pelvic floor issues arrived. Nothing rocked our relationship more than having children. I was overwhelmed with sleep deprivation and hormones, and I felt so devoid of any horniness that I couldn’t imagine wanting sex again.

Once my libido did return, I didn't want to swing from the chandeliers. I've never been able to orgasm just from intercourse (a study has found only 20% of women can; the rest of us need clitoral stimulation). But what I was never told was that good sex can often be vanilla sex. I decided to write a book about this, looking back at sex guides from the ’90s, when I was a teenager. The tips were horrendous: all athletic positions and what to wear to look alluring. Female pleasure was always on the back-burner, whereas I wanted to put it front and centre.

For me, long bonking sessions and lots of positions mean nothing if I can't orgasm. Maybe I don’t have much stamina. Maybe I get bored and start thinking about my to-do list. I definitely start to panic that I need to get to sleep or I’ll feel rotten the next day. For that reason I like sex to be to-the-point.

It’s the same reason why I don’t like the tips often dished out to couples in long-term relationships. ‘Date night’ puts too much pressure on having a great time and fabulous sex at the end, whereas in reality we worry about how much the babysitter is costing, then pass out in a food-and-wine coma. And there was no point in splurging on sexy underwear when my pelvic floor was weak and sex hurt.

I’ve learned that I don’t need to pretend to want to bounce around the bedroom to have satisfying sex. It’s about knowing my body and what turns me on and getting over myself so that I can communicate that to my partner. I’ve learned that some lube and a session with a women’s health physio goes a lot further than a weekend away, and is a damn sight cheaper. And I’ve learned that great sex can happen at home, with the lights off, at the foot of the bed – and there’s no need to be sheepish about it.

‘More Orgasms Please’ by The Hotbed Collective (£12.99, Square Peg). @thehotbedcollective