Sitting in a coffee shop (mostly) minding my own business, I couldn’t help overhearing the conversation of the two women next to me. One was tearfully disclosing to her friend that she’d just broken up with her boyfriend and after detailing their final argument, paused for the anticipated outpouring of surprise and sympathy.
However, the friend had clearly not been given the same script for this conversation, as she revealed she’d never actually liked this guy, and frankly, thought her friend was better off without him. I resisted the urge to turn round and ask why she hadn’t told her friend this before now, but fortunately I didn’t have to resort to this social faux pas, as the newly single friend demanded to know the very same thing. Through sips of her latte, the friend shared the same sentiment that so many of us have experienced at one time or another: “I didn’t want to hurt your feelings”. Leaving the coffee shop, and the two women still deep in conversation, I reflected on the challenges of being honest with your friends, especially when it comes to their partners.
Of course, ideally our friends will choose partners that we like, so there will never be the need for a difficult coffee shop conversation. But no matter how much we think we know what’s best for our friends, the reality is that we don’t get to choose who they get together with, so we can find ourselves actively disliking their partner and scratching our heads about why they chose this person over all the better options out there. The dilemma then becomes whether to tell your friend. They may be open to constructive feedback on a new recipe they’ve just cooked or an outfit they tried on in the Zara changing room, but criticising their partner is a whole different ball game and is unlikely to go well.
The first step in deciding whether to tell them is to figure out exactly why you dislike their partner. One possibility is that you have a personality clash and just don’t ‘click’ with them.
Maybe the way they constantly quote sci-fi movies sets your teeth on edge, or perhaps you hate that they shorten your friend’s name into a cutesy pet name, despite her being a grown woman. Of course, you can roll your eyes internally to your heart’s content but is it worthy of an “I don’t like your boyfriend” conversation? Realistically, if your friend seems unbothered then your role is to plaster on a smile and tell her you’re glad she’s happy, even if you do have to say it through an avalanche of Star Trek quotes.
Of course there’s another possible reason for disliking them – the way they treat your friend. If a partner is showing signs of toxic, abusive or controlling behaviour, this is an opportunity for you to step up as a friend and have a conversation about it. Maybe your friend doesn’t come out much now as her partner gets jealous, or when she does come out, she has to constantly send them photos to prove where she is.
These behaviours could reasonably trigger a conversation with your friend, but of course that doesn’t mean she’ll be ready or willing to hear it. She might even offer excuses for their behaviour like, “he’s only over-protective because his last partner cheated on him”. All you can do is explain why you’re concerned and reassure her that it’s coming from a place of love and support for her, rather than disliking her partner. One of the most important things you can do here as a friend is to leave the door open for future conversations by saying, “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about this now, but if you ever want to chat about it then I’m here for you”. This takes the pressure off them in the moment but lets them know they have support if they ever want it.
It's not always easy being a friend, certainly not as easy as Monica, Chandler and the gang would have us believe. It’s especially challenging when we don’t understand or agree with our friends’ choice of partner, and we’re forced to decide whether to have that difficult conversation. In those situations consider Morgan Matson’s words: "Real friends are the ones you can count on no matter what, the ones who go into the forest to find you and bring you home”. So if you dislike your friend’s partner and can’t decide whether to tell them, take a moment to figure out if this is just a personality clash or if they actually pose a risk to your friend, and if you truly believe they do, take a deep breath, put on your shoes and head into the forest.
Dr Gill Harrop is a teacher at the School of Psychology at the University of Worcester