Today, global weed festival (and protest) 420 kicks off to promote the legalisation of cannabis through the mass smoking of loads of bifters. In America, the UK (Hyde Park is going to be seriously hotboxed), Italy, Iceland, Denmark, New Zealand and Australia hundreds of thousands of stoners are taking to the streets and parks to, presumably, sit around being really mellow while eating shitloads of crisps.
In case you've been living under a rock, or smoking wayyy too much, 420 is the code name for weed after a group of young American kids thought they'd found a marijuana plot. They met at 4.20pm to go find it and, while they never did (probs too stoned)- they started using the term 420. Because a part of their friendship circle went on to form the band Grateful Dead, the slang spread throughout their fans/the whole bloody world. So now you know.
To celebrate or, at least, acknowledge the efforts of the 420 festival-goers, we thought it'd be fitting to put together a comprehensive, scientific list of the immediate effects of smoking a joint. Not that we've ever done it or anything. We gathered this information from test subjects. Bye.
**You can't feel your arms **
You can replace "arms" with "legs" or pretty much any part of your body. One thing's for sure - when you're sitting on a coach and the 420 hits, there's going to be a brief moment where you're not fully able to comprehend movement in your extremities. Probably best to stay on the sofa for this one.
You can feel your arms and they're fucking hilarious
ARMS ARE JUST BIG LONG FLOPPY THINGS COMING OUT OF OUR SHOULDERS. HAS ANYONE ELSE REALISED THIS? I'M GOING TO LET EVERYONE KNOW THIS NEW, FRESH PERSPECTIVE VIA THE MEDIUM OF POETRY. I'M GOING TO WRITE A BOOK OF POETRY ABOUT ARMS.
You've lost basic motor functions
Yes you need the loo but no, you're unable to confidently navigate the complex process of walking across the room. Depth perception seems to have disappeared, meaning that it now looks half a mile away but maybe if you crawled? No. Don't crawl. Even though you think it'll be freaking hilarious, you're going to look totally off your tit- oh, you're crawling.
You've lost the will to utilise said basic motor functions
Someone asks you to pass the remote. It's right next to you. In fact, your hand's actually touching it and it would only take approximately one grasp and a throw to get it from A to B but my god you can't be arsed. Why should you have to move? You can't move. It should be illegal to move if you don't want to. Don't make me move.
**Someone mentions getting a bowl for the crisps and you can't believe how bowls work **
Why did you never realise the beautiful simplicity of a bowl every time you pour things into it? It's a bendy plate. If you put a handle on it, the bowl would become a massive spoon. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.
**No honestly they're like helmets for cereal **
All these years you've been getting them out of the cupboard and you never realised. You never REALISED. Aren't pans just big teflon flame-proof bowls? Isn't a kitchen sink just a metal bowl with a hole in the bottom? In a way, aren't all your friends bowls? At this stage you're probably crying quite hard (happily) while sitting backwards on the floor, facing a toilet.
**You laugh for half an hour about bowls **
This is probably the funniest thing that has ever happened to you in your entire life. You'll probably leave the toilet to go and tell people about how funny it is. They won't understand, and you'll have forgotten what you were laughing at in the first place but, as it turns out, that doesn't matter. Just the fact you're laughing is enough to send you into histrionics. Laughing is fucking hilarious. Laughlaugh.
Hunger pangs hit. Hard.
Regardless of what's in the fridge, you're going to eat it and you're going to eat it all together on one plate. If there's a pizza delivery company within ten miles of your flat, you're going to order a pizza (or walk ten miles to get said pizza) and empty the contents of your fridge onto it. Baked beans, eggs, ice cream, bon appetit. For the next four hours.
Deciding to smoke more is the best idea ever
What, you've got loads more? Incredible. Amazing. Order an extra pizza, get all the bowls out and let's DO this.
Deciding to smoke more is the worst idea ever
Too much. Can't deal. Ceiling. Sick. Urgh. No? Haha. Agh. Bloop.
** Either way, it ends up pretty much the same**
.
Peacefully having the weirdest dreams ever. Or, even weirder, no dreams at all. You'll wake up in your clothes, covered in pizza, feeling really fresh and ready to conquer the day (jokes).
Follow Stevie Martin on Twitter: @5tevieM
Pictures: Lukasz Wierzbowski
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.