I don’t claim to be an expert in anything, besides maybe, being really bad at emails. However, after a more in-depth look into the dating phenomenon of ‘cushioning’ I’d like to (not very) proudly declare myself an aficionado. I am a cushioning virtuoso. A cushioning icon, even.
Don’t you dare roll your eyes at me. Yes! Yes, another buzzword. Another ‘ing’ word, being bandied about the internet pertaining to describe another one of your bad habits. But listen here: you’re almost definitely ‘cushioning’. And cushioning is naughty. Tut tut tut.
‘But’, I hear you cry, ‘what exactly is cushioning?’
Well, dear reader, Urban Dictionary defines this as ‘a dating technique where along with your main piece you also have several 'cushions', other people you'll chat and flirt with to cushion the potential blow of your main break-up and not leave you alone.’ Cushioning is what feeble people like me, whose life blood is attention, do habitually, approximately 1-2 times a day. The ritual of cushioning goes like this: I message someone. Someone I’ve had a flirtation with, or been intimate with, or maybe an individual who I know has a soft spot for me. The content of the text rarely varies. It usually goes something like this ‘Hey, how you doing?’. It’s gross, I know. I may as well be sucking a toothpick, winking or biting my lower lip. It looks totally innocent but it’s insidious. 9 times out of 10 I’ll get a reply. 9 Times out of 10, I won’t respond- not until a few days have passed and the second wave of texts go out: ‘Hey, hey, sorry, so shit at texting, I’m good. WYD this weekend?’. Smiley face emoji.
Vile. Cushioning is vile.
Why? Because what I am doing here, is metaphorically and emotionally propping myself up with a constant flow of responses, consistent waves of messages from people with whom I could ignite potential dalliances (but have no intention of doing so). I also receive similarly silly texts too.
Picture it like a mangled Dali picture, I’m suspending my entire body weight on lots of tiny little pressure points. Sometimes it’s as satisfying as an Indian head massage and sometimes the whole structure wobbles. What I worry I’m actually doing, is shooting myself in the fluffy-heeled foot. What I’ve created is a Princess and The Pea situation. It’s like a fucking Dreams showroom over here. I am lying on top of a big old pile of 100% goose down cushions and what I’ve achieved is that I actually can’t feel shit. If there is a pea, somewhere under my downy Jenga tower, I’m numb to it.
Two of my friends sent me the same meme on the weekend. I know describing a meme is like explaining a joke (aka not funny) but bear with me.
It features a biology textbook style image of three heads in profile. We can see these people’s brains by the magic of some bad photoshopping. The top brain looks chill. Next to it is the caption: ‘A healthy relationship’. In the second image, the brain is glowing: ‘Being single’ reads the caption. In the last one it looks like there’s a whole bag of fireworks gone off inside the brain: ‘Giving false hope to anyone who likes you so you can maintain an emotional distance and protect yourself from being hurt while you shut yourself off from people who genuinely care about you but you’re too afraid to settle and have unrealistic expectations and worry you might not meet the person of your dreams because of your own self-sabotaging philosophy.’
Muffled cough.
Obviously, my friends don’t approve of my cushioning habits. The caveat is that they’re both in relationships so I’m going to disregard any judgments they pass on my single life as tiny little white flags on the horizon, as they surrender to what I regard as the tedium of long-term domesticity. They might be happy little house cats, but I’d rather be a mangy old Tom cat gnawing at your garden gate and riffling through your bin- because- I’m free to do as I please!
I mean, ok, I’m not being entirely transparent here. They’re also showing genuine concern because I’ve been very casually dating someone for a few months now and he’s an angel. We also have lots of mutual friends, and my modern ideas around monogamish and *relation-*ishps seem to be very unpopular (he’s actually on board with it all). But this is the first time I’ve been hanging out with someone consistently for around three years (‘single for six!’ I yell, as I chalk up another tally on my cell walls) and it feels weird. And cushioning is helping me cope with it, and I’ll admit that that’s cowardly but I’d also like to argue that there are much worse things one can do…like…Oh, I don’t know…cushioning while in a long-term monogamous relationship.
It goes without saying that the above is a risky ol’ game. We’ve all been there: flirting with a colleague, messaging an old flame of Facebook, DMing an ex just to ‘check in’. Like a middle-aged dad who needs the odd reminder that they’re still ‘hip’ and so purchases some nasty Paul Smith socks- we all like buffers, we all need the odd reminder that ‘we’ve still got it’ but why those reminders can’t just come from one person? Why do so many of us get a kick out of crowdsourcing opinions on our sex appeal? Because- more is more, and we humans are a greedy bunch of organisms who like nothing more than poking at something we shouldn’t. Sexy! It is, of course, a problem that’s become even more complicated by the presence of mobile phones. We now have an entire Colosseum of opinions in our back pockets and every single day we’re putting our attractiveness on the line with the odd selfie or self-promotion. Cast your votes- now people!
That’s not to say that cushioning can’t be constructive. Like all ‘bad’ behavioural traits this one contains within in it some positives. Monogamy is really hard and really unnatural so we can forgive ourselves for finding the whole process tough. Sometimes a text in the night from an ex-lover can be a log in deep water- a buoyant little raft, a sanctuary and something to cling to while a partner might be feeling distant or angry. A reminder that we’re happier, where we are now- in this bed. Cushioning can very often sustain relationships and as long as nothing actually happens it’s not the worst coping method. It can be wonderfully helpful I think. Of course, I don’t subscribe to the monogamy-fits-all myth, I think it’s all a giant rouse to stop us from having too much fun and get us all into The Arc in our two-by-twos.
Messing with people’s emotions because you’re feeling needy, however- well- that’s neither positive or fun I don’t think. I’m going to try and kerb my cushioning and get to the root of it instead. Why does commitment look good from a distance and not so much up close? Is what I rubbish as settling actually more like compromise and is compromise such a bad thing? Am I a bad person?
Never has the old adage, ‘you’ve made your bed now lie in it’ felt more applicable. And, as those pillars of society – The Rolling Stones – put it, ‘you can’t always get what you want but, if you try, sometimes, you might get what you need.’
Like this? You might also be interested in:
Half-Hearted: It's A Myth That Only Men Are Commitmentphobic
Half-Hearted: How Social Media Killed Mystery And Ruined Dating
Follow Nellie on Instagram @nellzebub
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.