The pandemic saw a tidal wave of women leaving the workplace due to lack of support and childcare. However Mel is determined to stay a successful working mother – despite her husband’s lack of support.*
‘The starters had just been served and my Champagne glass topped up when my phone lit up on the table. It was Steve*, asking me where my son’s school PE kit was, but I could hardly hear his voice above the restaurant’s buzz. I nipped into the hotel lobby where it was marginally quieter. “I’m sorry Steve but I can’t speak now,” I shouted into the mouthpiece. “I’m in the middle of a client dinner.” I was in New York for a five-day trip: I didn’t have time to take calls about petty domestic niggles like missing football boots.
Later that night, exhausted and alone in my hotel room, when I called Steve back, his voice pricked with resentment. “Fun evening?” he quipped. Of course it wasn’t. It was bloody hard work. But Steve didn’t get it. His sarcasm was nothing new.
It had started a few years back, ever since my career as a manager at a big marketing agency representing musicians had taken off. The job required me to travel abroad once every two months, mainly to the US but also to Europe, and left him at home looking after our two young sons. For me, the trips abroad were gruelling 15-hour days of entertaining clients.
But to Steve and everyone else, the trips to New York, LA, Vegas and Paris were glamorous and exciting; mini-escapes from the dull domesticity of school pick-ups and bath-time. That wasn’t the whole truth by any means – but I suppose, on one level, the trips were my escape. For five days, I didn’t have to be ‘mum’ or worry about piles of dirty washing. Even slipping on headphones for the nine-hour flight and not having to deal with the kids kicking off was bliss.
It was a very different set-up to earlier in our marriage. We’d been together since we were teenagers. When I fell pregnant at 21, Steve became the sole provider while I stayed at home to raise our son. In those two years at home, I thought hard about my future career. Even though we had a joint account and shared everything, I wanted to contribute.
I went back to university to study media studies, and Steve was in full support, paying for all our outgoings including nursery fees so I could study. I was never going to be a stay-at-home mum. I wanted a career that would make me feel good. I was lucky when what started as an internship turned into a job offers. Over ten years, I went from low-paid marketing assistant to a full-time manager with a competitive salary – having another son in between.
Initially, Steve was happy with my success. It took the pressure off him financially and gave us more stability and disposable income. But in time, as I’d moved into senior management and had to take calls in the evenings from international clients and manage a round-the-clock WhatsApp pingathon, the resentment began to creep in. It didn’t help that his career had become stale, with him working as an electrical contractor for the same employer for over 20 years.
For me, work life was quite the opposite. I was staying in luxury hotels, attending award ceremonies and film premieres with high profile artists and sitting in VIP boxes at concerts. Steve, on the other hand, was stuck at home with the kids.
I think he worried that I’d get swept up in this glamorous life and wouldn’t want to come back to the domestic mundanity, but that wasn’t true. I loved our life and being a mum – I still do.
One regular gripe of his was the fact I was seeing all these wonderful places without him; places we hadn’t yet visited as a couple. Our friends would constantly quiz me about my trips too when we were out – while he sat stony-faced next to me. I tried to explain it was work, not a holiday. But I was wasting my breath. It would just turn into a frosty silence and we’d go to bed not speaking.
I could just about ignore his jealousy around the travel, but what really upset me was his reaction to my pay rise - an increase of £20k in just three years. He used to moan I didn’t get paid enough, but when I started earning more than him, it was a lot for his male ego to take.
Now, we had a very different dynamic to our early years when he was the main breadwinner and I was the one at home; a scenario, I realised, he was much more comfortable with. He grew up in a traditional house with a stay-at-home mum and I think he always thought we would be the same.
The Covid pandemic changed things for a while – the work trips stopped. I think Steve was secretly happy but it wasn’t the answer, as life was actually harder. We became a tag team, splitting the day so we could equally home school and work, with very little time for ourselves.
Now, I've got a work trip to LA in January and Steve has already grumbled about it being a week-long trip and having to arrange work around childcare. As the dates draw nearer, I imagine there will be more heated ‘discussions’.
But women deserve an equal opportunity to work. I won’t be made to feel guilty about what I’ve achieved, nor will I feel pressure to quit. I see it happening to too many women around me. I do my job, all the mum admin including the school runs, taking the kids to activities, appointments, doing the weekly food shopping and running errands, making sure everyone has what they need and don’t complain at all.
If the issue did get worse and Steve gave me an ultimatum, I wouldn’t budge. I’m not giving up what I’ve worked so hard to achieve just to keep him happy. The only time I’d give up work is if it was affecting the kids - and it isn’t. Steve has to change his outlook, not me. He’s currently thinking of going into business for himself and that’s good. Hopefully, if he’s happy in his work he won’t be so miserable about mine.’
Illustration: Michelle Thompson