When I started secondary school, I had one goal. It wasn’t to excel in French (although I did, bien sûr). No, my only aim was to have a group of loyal and loving best friends. I’d had great friends up until then so I knew that everything in life was better when you were on a team with other girls.
However, a year into secondary school, a new trend arrived. A trend that put my female friendship obsession at risk: The Bitch. It was the mid-noughties and by that point The Bitch was everywhere you looked.
Regina George first blessed our screens in 2004 as the incredibly hot, famously chic bitch in Mean Girls. Regina was a professional bitch, mastering the art of being the best at the expense of everyone else’s self-esteem. Next Lauren Conrad of reality show The Hills appeared as the sly bitch. LC was the bitch who would go behind her friends’ backs as naturally as you flush the toilet after you go for a pee. My favourite, though, was Gossip Girl’s iconic Queen Bee Blair Waldorf. From the instant I heard Blair’s commanding voice, I idolised her. Her infinite headband collection, her tasty choice of lovers, but mainly her impeccable bitch status.
‘Haven’t you heard?’ Blair said famously, ‘I’m the crazy bitch around here.’
In everything we watched as teenage girls, being a bitch was glorified. To be a bitch was synonymous with being hot and popular. We thought that women had to be full-time, double-dosed, whipped cream on top, c’est la vie bitches, xoxo Gossip Girl.
Before The Bitch’s arrival, I was happy in my cosy bubble of female friendship – but sadly, I’m a sucker for a trend. Remember skorts, the skirt/short hybrid of 2003? I wore them loyally. Belly button piercings in 2007? Of course I had one. The Bitch trend would be no exception to the rule.
Shamefully, for a year of my adolescence, I was a Grade-A bitch. I was rude, I was snide and I laughed at people. I’m reminded of this bitchy time in my life often, because Dua Lipa, the BRIT- and Grammy-winning pop star who is both gorgeous and talented, was one of the people at school who I wasn’t very nice to. I wasn’t that bad to Dua, but let’s just say she was in the year below, so you could say she was like Gossip Girl’s Jenny Humphrey in this situation.
I don’t look back at this time in my life with pride. But I do have a theory, which I’ll use in defence of my bitchy phase. I think that, when I was at school, the patriarchy was running a secret campaign called Make Girls Bitches Again. Make Girls Bitches Again oppressed young women by teaching them that the only way to interact with their female peers was by competing with them. The patriarchy knew that if they made us compete with each other, they could slow us all down. When women aren’t supporting other women, the patriarchy thrives like a Lush bath bomb. You too may have had moments when you haven’t supported other women in the way you would have liked to, and you might feel shame around that, as I have done. But while I’m not making excuses, remember that being a bitch comes from a place of fear and insecurity.
Thankfully, The Bitch has fallen out of favour. The new thing? Being completely and utterly obsessed with your mates. And that will not be a trend. Since I left school, the narrative around female friendship has completely changed. In last year’s hit film Booksmart, lead characters Molly and Amy care about nothing else other than their friendship with each other. Meanwhile, TV shows like Broad City, Insecure and I May Destroy You show female friendships in the nuanced, complex and sometimes obsessive ways they deserve to be seen.
Plus IRL celebs are showing us how amazing female friendships can be. Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King, Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox, and Victoria Beckham and Eva Longoria all make being obsessed with your female friends look like the coolest option. Friendships aren’t perfect, and of course a bit of bitching is still allowed, but they’re no longer prescriptively filled with jealousy, bitterness and feuds over men and their dicks.
As for me, without the unconditional love and support of my friends, I wouldn’t have gone into stand-up. For the first year of my stand-up career, my friends came to every single one of my gigs. Would I have pursued stand-up without them backing me like a horse they’d bet their life savings on? No. Would the world be worse off without me doing comedy in it? Absolutely, yes. You have female friendship to thank for that.
I’m happy for teenage girls growing up now. They can be rightly obsessed with their female friends without believing they have to hide those feelings in a sad and futile effort to become Queen Bee.
Grace’s debut book, ‘Amazing Disgrace: A Book About “Shame”’, is out 29 October Grace will be on the Grazia Life Advice podcast later this month