Did you know that Christmas Eve is the most popular day of the year for men to propose? But what do you do if you’re a feminist and you suddenly find yourself on the receiving end of an engagement ring in just over a fortnight’s time? Reject all the made up (and long standing) marriage traditions to retain your credentials? After all, the process from engagement through to the wedding is so littered with sexist customs it resembles Worthy Farm after Glastonbury.
In a heterosexual couple people expect the groom to ask the bride’s father first because it’s a ‘nice thing to do’. Then there’s the engagement ring and the big surprise proposal. Next up are the single-sex stag and hen dos. Once the big day arrives the bride usually wears a white dress, a bright statement of her virginity. She sits there demurely while everyone else blabbers on about how pretty she looks.
Since I got engaged three months ago, every one of these traditions has promoted me to question myself. After four and a half years together and lots of chats about the future, I was aware of where my relationship was heading. Yet it did not occur to me to ask him. On the asking of my parents, however, I was pretty clear. It’s my life. That tradition comes from a woman passing from one man to another as property.
If the proposal was less of a surprise than Mr McCabe-to-be (he loves it when I call him that) had hoped, the fact he pulled out a diamond ring was a shock. My partner is not a fan of jewellery. In fact, he hates it. We used to say we would use something else symbolise our love and I was happy with the idea of not being branded like a homing pigeon. That was the end of it. Well, it was until he pulled out the ring. And it was lovely.
Engagement rings were not really a thing until De Beers (the diamond cartel known for its sharp practices) commissioned an ad agency to help it flog more stones in the 1940s. Although diamond engagement rings had existed before then, they were the preserve of the real upper classes. When the young copywriter Frances Gerety wrote ‘a diamond is forever’ on some creative executions, shortly before heading to bed, she did not think much of it. Now they are ubiquitous. She never married.
I had a little time to get used to the idea of a ring. But once it fit we I found it odd to display the exact stage of my relationship to everyone I meet
I had a little time to get used to the idea of a ring. But once it fit, I found it odd to display the exact stage of my relationship to everyone I met. My boyfriend and I were not even friends on Facebook for the first year. In the past engagement rings worked as an insurance policy. Something you could sell if the bloke ran off and left you unflowered and alone. I am not defined by my relationship and it feels slightly odd to be marked out. But is very sparkly.
We have not got down to many of the particulars of the day, but my (usually liberal) parents are clear it will be my dad walking me down the aisle and making a speech. I expect there will be other things we’ll keep and lots of things we will change or make our own. As we prepare to commit to each other for the rest of our lives I think it is important that I’m aware of what we are rejecting or keeping and why.
Some people might think I’m over analysing things. Lots of women love all the traditions. But that’s OK. The brilliant thing is that we all get to decide for ourselves.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.